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Would less TV and movie violence lead to less violent crime?
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March 2, 2012
4:57 am
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Dongguan, China
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Seeing the soaring violent crime rate, some individuals wonder that if the great amount  of violence in films and on television result in this situation and they believe that controlling this type of information by government can effectively ensure the stability of society.

Doubtlessly, being exposed to the violence in movies and television too much, people, especially the youngsters can easily develop the passive value to the word. Some of them think it is rather cool and exciting to be a violent people due to they are misleading by the images in the media. In a result, they want to have a try and then commit a crime. Besides, the aim of movie companies and programs is to make profit, some of them deliberately broadcast the pictures full of violence in order to fascinate more audiences. Therefore the government should build a censorship to control the quantity of violence in media, preventing they from causing the potential violent.

However, things are never so simple. Merely reduce the amount of violence that showing on the films and television is not enough and could not fundamentally resolves the climbing incidence of violence, since the violent criminals does not all violate the laws for the reason they have saw some violence in the films or on television. What I mean is that even there are no more violence in media it would have violent criminals in the society. Obviously, the essential cause of violence is that people have the demands unsatisfying (i.e. they dream to possess a huge property thus they rob from others).

I think the main point is to make sure that the public in the society are well-educated and leading a pleased lives. To be specific, the government should establish a system keep people living without poverty, easing the concerning of people and ensuring people have a high quality of lives. I know it is quite a hard task in current situation, but at least, recently the government could enhance the society security, and focus on improving people’s lives from now on.

March 3, 2012
6:36 am
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writefix
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Hello again Alison, and thanks for this essay.

Your introduction paragraph is one long sentence:

Seeing the soaring violent crime rate, some individuals wonder that if the great amount  of violence in films and on television result in this situation and they believe that controlling this type of information by government can effectively ensure the stability of society.

It might be better to break it up and to have a thesis sentence which tells the reader what you are going to discuss in the essay.  There are some vague or unnecessary references -  "in this situation," "this type of information" -  which you could rewrite:

Seeing the soaring crime rate, some individuals suggest reducing the amount of violence in films and on television to make society safer. In this essay I will explain why this approach is not enough and why we need a different strategy to reduce crime.

Shorten this sentence or divide it into two ideas

Some of them think it is rather cool and exciting to be violent due to they are misleading by the images in the media

Some young people are misled by images in the media and think it is cool and exciting to be violent.

Run-on sentence

Besides, the aim of movie companies and programs is to make profit, some of them deliberately broadcast the pictures full of violence in order to fascinate more audiences.

Don't join sentences with commas. Use full stops!

Besides, the aim of movie companies and programs is to make profit. Some of them deliberately broadcast the pictures full of violence in order to fascinate more audiences.

Vocab choice

Alison, you have 340 words in your essay, but only 174 unique ones (see the Word Analysis link at the top of the page, or http://www.usingenglish.com/resources/text-statistics.php. That means you have lost a chance to show the examiner 170 other English words you know!  You have repeated the word 'violent' and 'violence' a lot -  what other words could you use?

It's a good idea not to use related words in the same sentence:

Therefore the government should build a censorship to control the quantity of violence in media, preventing they from causing the potential violent.

This could be rewritten:

The government should use censorship to control violence in the media, therefore reducing the number of crimes.

Here's another example (and a very long sentence!):

Merely reduce the amount of violence that showing on the films and television is not enough and could not fundamentally resolves the climbing incidence of violence, since the violent criminals does not all violate the laws for the reason they have saw some violence in the films or on television. (50 words!)

Here's a possible rewrite:

Merely reducing the amount of violence in films and television is not enough to fundamentally resolve the climbing incidence of crime. Criminals do not break laws purely/simply/just because of what they see on television.

Word Form, etc.

  • Merely reduce the amount of violence that showing on the films... ==>
    Merely reducing the amount of violence shown in films...
  • What I mean is that even there are no more violence in media it would have violent criminals in the society ==>
    What I mean is that even if there were no more violence in the media we would still have criminals in our society.
  • People have the demands unsatisfying (i.e. they dream to possess a huge property thus they rob from others).==>
    People have unsatisfied needs. For example, they dream of possessing a huge property and thus rob to achieve this goal.
  • ...leading a pleased lives ==> leading fulfilled/comfortable/satisfied/pleasant lives
  • ...youngsters can easily develop the passive value to the word
    Do you mean that young people can become immune or accustomed to seeing violence? e.g. Young people can easily develop a passive attitude to violence.
  • Some of them think it is rather cool and exciting to be a violent people ==> to be violent

Finally, in the last paragraph, I would delete the word 'recently.'

Overall, the organization is clear and the ideas are supported. Good work!

March 3, 2012
7:43 am
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Dongguan, China
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 Again,thanks for your detailed suggestions. I thought I learned quite a lot these two days.

 

 In fact, the sentence "especially the youngsters can easily develop the passive value to the word"

 what I mean is—— because the young people are exposed to the violence too much, then they would form the world view which is highly negative. Sorry for my Chiglish, sometimes I just feel it hard to express my opinions. And my vocabulary is poor.

 

http://www.usingenglish.com/re…..istics.php, I can’t see the complete letters because of the ellipsis. Could you please type them again.

March 5, 2012
5:34 am
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writefix
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Hi Alison - here's the link

http://www.usingenglish.com/resources/text-statistics.php

Copy-and-paste your essay into the box. The utility looks at the words you use in your essay and breaks them down by frequency. The link is also at the very top of this page, under "Useful Links"

Hope it works now. 

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