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One career or many? A job for life, or constant change?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
May 27, 2012
7:00 pm
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There are three basic need of human –food , shelter and clothes. Money is important to fulfil these needs. It is believed that only one career is not beneficial in these days, rather many other careers or ways are essential for everyone to mint money. Here, I would like to say about both side of this statement with my personal view.
 

No doubt, whenever a person deos work for long time, he get lot of knowledge as well as experience, but he does not have other opportunity of work. He feels boredom from his work. Moreover,in future he cannot change his work according to his choice because he has knowledge only about his field. Furthermore, in the present time every time every company wants that types of worker, where they can adjust them in different type of work, like today, a school wants a teacher, who can join  the school management as well as teacher.

 

It is clearly seen that present era is a era of competition. Every person wants to become rich overnight, so only one way can not be helpful for earning money. Today, if any agency demands a worker then a number of workers apply, so in this condition, it will be difficult to get job. If any person keeps education related with different fields then he can get job easily.Moreover,if a person, who does job feels that the salary cannot fulfil his needs then he can change his job or choose other way to earn money, such as in the present time is a person knows about only his mother language then he can work only in his local area, but if he knows many languages like English, French etcetera then he can work anywhere in world. Moreover, in future, every field will demand an educated employ, so in the present, mostly every nation provides education on world level.

According to my vantage point several careers or ways will be beneficial in future. However, no doubt, a person can earn lots of money through one career but during the next decade it will be difficult to earn money and further education.

In crux,to make a succesfull person, every’one should know about different carees and ways to live easily. 

May 31, 2012
4:22 pm
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Hello Harnek and welcome to Writefix

Let’s just focus quickly on the question again.  I've rewritten it as the IELTS question it was originally:

Many people work all their lives in one job. Increasingly, however, people are studying and changing careers. What are some of the advantages and disadvantages of this? 

Check the questions carefully -  try to find some from the Cambridge series or from recent posts on http://www.ielts-blog.com. This is an example of a question that was seriously misunderstood.   Because of this, your essay is off-topic.

Intro

You wrote:

There are three basic need of human –food , shelter and clothes. Money is important to fulfil these needs. It is believed that only one career is not beneficial i

Your intro has two sentences before the problem or topic is mentioned. It’s better to jump straight in. Make every sentence relevant to the topic -  you don’t have time to waste in 40 minutes or 250 words!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • many other careers or ways are essential for everyone to mint money  → make/earn money
  • whenever a person deos work for long time, he get lot of knowledge → when a person works for a long time, he gets lot of knowledge
  • he does not have other opportunity of work → he does not have other opportunities or experiences
  • He feels boredom from his work. → He is bored by his work.
  • According to my vantage point several careers or ways will be beneficial in future → In my opinion, it will be more common to change career in the future.

 Don’t hedge your bets!  Say it once.

Generic Sentence

You wrote:

Here, I would like to say about both side of this statement with my personal view.

This sentence could be used in a million essays. Make every sentence directly related to the topic. Specify. A good thesis sentence should also guide readers by telling us what is coming in each paragraph. You can find more about Thesis sentences here.

Shorten and Simplify

You wrote a 41-word monster sentence:

Furthermore, in the present time every time every company wants that types of worker, where they can adjust them in different type of work, like today, a school wants a teacher, who can join  the school management as well as teacher.

Try not to have any sentence longer than about 20-25 words. Aim for an average length of about 12-15 words.  Your sentence has too many ideas and clauses and commas.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Employers like flexible employees. An example might be a teacher who is willing to join the school management team as well as teach. (23 words, two sentences, average 11.5 words per sentence.)

Here is an even bigger monster!

Moreover,if a person, who does job feels that the salary cannot fulfil his needs then he can change his job or choose other way to earn money, such as in the present time is a person knows about only his mother language then he can work only in his local area, but if he knows many languages like English, French etcetera then he can work anywhere in world.

It’s 68 words long. Far far far far far far too long. Let’s fix it.

Having more skills gives you more choice. A second language, such as French, for example, will allow you to work in many other countries. (24 words, 2 sentences)

Delete unnecessary words

It is clearly seen that present era is a era of competition.

Ideas

You wrote

Moreover, in future, every field will demand an educated employ, so in the present, mostly every nation provides education on world level.

This is fine, but just a bit vague and weak. You could have a much stronger idea here.

However, no doubt, a person can earn lots of money through one career but during the next decade it will be difficult to earn money and further education.

Can you ‘earn’ further education?  The two or three ideas in this sentence are not explained. We need specific examples. Why will it be difficult in the next decade? How can a person earn a lot of money in one career? Develop your ideas and give examples.

The biggest problem with the essay (it was the same problem for Anufrancis, here) is that the topic or question is not clear.  Have a look at the original IELTS question

Many people work all their lives in one job. Increasingly, however, people are studying and changing careers. What are some of the advantages and disadvantages of this? 

…and think how differently you would have answered the essay.

Watch out for those monster sentences!  Run your essay through Microsoft Word and remove as many green and red underlines as you can. For example, there are at least seven mistakes in your last sentence:

In crux,to make a succesfull person, every’one should know about different carees and ways to live easily.

June 2, 2012
8:04 am
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Thank you writefix.Your arguments will be helpful for me

June 3, 2012
8:55 pm
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writefix
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Thanks Harnek!

Have a look at some of the new essays and help some others, if you have time!  Hope to see more essays from you here.

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