I hope you can make some time to comment on some other people’s essays here. It really helps.
Victor, please drop these.
- I will deal with both views and give my opinion below.
- The main argument in favour of
- More importantly
- It is apparent
- This is considerably due
- Having taken the respective arguments into account
They are overused, tired old phrases. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Please try to avoid using these phrases. Some you have used correctly, some not so well. At best, the examiners will ignore them. At worst, they will either not include them in your word count if you have too many, or they will penalize you for “overuse” of cohesive devices. (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion, Band 5). As I say, most examiners will simply sigh, ignore them and look for original text related to the essay.
Where is your thesis sentence? You wrote:
I will deal with both views and give my opinion below.
This needs to be specific and relevant to the question
I will look at both functions of a university and explain why I think universities need to do more than just train students for work.
Paragraph Two is fine, but this chunk from Paragraph Three needs rewriting:
More importantly, techniques of some industries help students win the fierce competitions. This is considerably due to skilled graduates are able to show some tangible skills to the interviewers, while the competitors may just talk about some intangible opinions. But I think it is not beneficial for students to enrich their vision.
I think that was why Rabia.hm got a bit confused in this section. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Having particular skills can help students in interviews. Candidates who can demonstrate specific, tangible skills are more likely to succeed in interviews than others who can just talk. However, I don’t think that learning only vocational skills will help students to develop themselves fully.
You only have one sentence. Why? A conclusion has to summarize both sides, give your opinion and perhaps recommend action or warn of a problem in the future. That’s too much for one sentence. Write two or three sentences You can read more about conclusions here.
Having taken the respective arguments into account, I think it is more advisable to suggest universities offer students access to knowledge rather than train their students.
You also wasted 8 words which won’t help your band but increased the average sentence length. Removing empty phrases will help! As Rabia.hm says, your structure is fine and when you move away from the standard phrases, you are fine.