I commented on your intro in your other essay on health care and education.
There’s no need to use the tired and overused “people are concerned/people debate/contentious issue/matter of concern/spark debate/heated controversy heated debate” in every essay. Most people really have more important things to think about than topics in IELTS. You can read more about Introductions here, but you could just describe the situation or do a past/present intro like this:
When most people think of libraries they have an image of a quiet places with rows and rows of shelves with dusty books. However, more and more libraries resemble modern high-tech workspaces with computers, scanners, wifi connections, with DVDs and other media, and links to databases across the world. Overall, I disagree with the view that the public libraries should only provide books.
I like your thesis sentence. It gives your opinon. It might be better if it mapped out the essay for the reader by indicating what is coming in paras 2-4, but it’s OK.
Delete the following:
- Our own experience has revealed that
- it is well known that
- Not only…. But also
Almost every sentence in paragraph 2 starts with a marker or linking word/phrase (First, Our own… Moreover, Also…) . This gets very irritating, and is called “overuse of cohesive devices.” Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion Band 5 “makes inadequate, inaccurate or overuse of cohesive devices.”
You’ve made a good start, but keep it up. Dump them. Use these devices sparingly. One or two per paragraph is enough. Look at Band 9 “uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention.” That’s your goal – not hitting the examiner in the face with every linking device in the book.
Just write. Give your ideas and write.
Now that the devices are out of the way I can see your ideas. Let's look at these ideas.
First, public libraries should keep pace with the modern technological development.
I really liked this topic sentence. I assumed the rest of the paragraph was going to be about
- Libraries as a bridge between local communities and the latest technology
- Libraries allow instant access to a world of knowledge
- As knowledge is transformed, libraries need to transform
- Libraries have a duty to meet the demands of their increasingly tech-savvy users
- The world is using information technology, so libraries must keep up
- Information is now consumed and produced in countless ways, and libraries need to reflect this.
But, unfortunately, no. We have a sentence about our “experience” revealing something about managing books efficiently. Unless we have had experience as librarians, most of us have not had to manage books. So your first point, which should be your most important point, is that state-of-the-art technology in libraries can be used to keep nice tidy list of the old books which no one reads anymore. Yes, it is true that computers can maintain book catalogs, but this is not what the question is asking.
Then your second point is that DVDs and videos save space. Yes, a book could go on a DVD, but why? How? In what format? How would we access a text? And I hope you don’t mean that the old video cassettes save space. What about films? Movies? Music? Encyclopedias? Reference? Games? What are DVDs for generally? Why not just store 10 DVDs on a tiny flash drive, and save more space? Or why not connect to Google or Amazon’s servers?
So, two underdeveloped points. A friendly IELTS examiner after lunch looking at Task Response might say “addresses the task only partially”(Band 5): a grumpy one at the end of the day might say “responds to the task only in a minimal way” (Band 4); but there is no way that any examiner could say “addresses all parts of the task” (Band 7). Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and make sure your points are fully developed
Your third paragraph then states that we need to maintain books. This is fine as an idea, but this idea not very well supported either: “Reading books is the traditional things from human being.” (The next two sentences are better, though.)
Your conclusion then suggests that efficiency is the main purpose of spending money on technology in libraries. This is a reasonable idea, but it needed more support. Check back with the question and see if you have answered it completely.
Thanks for your essays and work. Now that you are improving in your linking and originality of writing, it just leaves the ideas - which is the most important part. Make sure you spend enough time mapping out ideas and examples before you start and develop them fully.