Thanks for this essay on the Olympics! I definitely think you are definitely improving. How long did it take you to write this - 40 minutes or more?
Develop your ideas fully. Give supporting examples. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response for Band 5: 'not sufficiently developed.'
The Olympic games are belived to lose their vital role in 21st century due to financial waste and the exsistence of online games and other international games
This is a topic sentence (the first sentence in the paragraph), so the reader expects that the whole paragraph will be about the ideas in the sentence. However, there is only an unclear repeat of the idea:
Besides, online games in the virtual world somehow overwhelm this type of occasion.
There is no explanation or development - do you mean that most people prefer to spend time playing computer games instead of watching the Olympics? It’s a valid (good) point, but you need to explain fully. What do you mean by ‘overwhelm’ – it’s not wrong, but it’s not clear either. You need more information. Perhaps athletes will be able to run the 100 meters by video conference or hologram in future, but not yet.
Here’s another good idea which is not developed:
Other international games specializing in each kind of sports are attractive as well
Give us more information! What games? You need at least one more sentence giving examples of these international games - do you mean the World Cup? The Davis Cup? The Stanley Cup? The ASEAN Table Tennis Championship?
Shorten and Simplify
Remove unnecessary words:
- The Olympic games are a well-known international event of human. →The Olympic Games are a well-known international event.
It's a bit obvious. Tell us something we don't know! Add more information to make a more interesting sentence:
The Olympic Games has grown from just 240 athletes in 1896 to the greatest sporting event in the world.
This sentence needs rewriting and needs to be more specific.
- i strongly think that though this event need a certain budget to organise, it still has advantages. →
Here’s one possible rewrite:
I believe that although this event is amazingly expensive, it is a worthwhile celebration of sport, friendship, and human achievement.
Try to reduce the use of passives.
- The Olympic games are belived to lose their vital role in 21st century due to financial waste and the exsistence of online games and other international games. →
Some people claim that the Olympics will lose their vital role …
- Revenue for goverments and citizens , thus, are promoted. →
The Olympics brings billions of dollars of revenue to countries.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage/Agreement
- Upgradation → upgrades/upgrading
- olympic games - Olympic Games
- this event can cements the relationship between countries in the world → can cement
Emkoxinh – is this an IELTS topic? Where did you find it? In today’s news (May 23, 2012) Madrid, Istanbul and Tokyo are very excited to be on the shortlist for the 2020 Olympics, while Baku and Doha in Qatar are disappointed to be eliminated. I can’t see any evidence that the Olympics is becoming less important or playing less of a role in sport.
Check your capitals, punctuation and spacing before posting. It's a good habit to get into. Don't leave it until the IELTS test. Punctuation is important. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Grammar and Accuracy. If you don't get into the habit of checking it now, you won't remember to do it in the exam.
Overall, well done. The third paragraph is very good. I'm amazed at the word 'telling' - did you get any help?! Anyway, please keep submitting and improving. Well done!