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What can be done to promote greater equality between men and women inside the home?
Topic Rating: 4.5 Topic Rating: 4.5 Topic Rating: 4.5 Topic Rating: 4.5 Topic Rating: 4.5 Topic Rating: 4.5 (2 votes) 
May 24, 2012
12:47 pm
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Hello!

Here is my new post.  I look forward to receiving all your comments

Although there has been a large increase in the number of women who got out to work, women continue to do a disproportionate amount of housework and childcare. What can be done to promote greater equality between men and women inside the home?


It is widely believed that women are the principal people in family who take care of all members’ routines and households. Nevertheless, in my opinion, both men and women should have equal distribution to the house’s duties. Some solutions should be soon implemented in order to promote the gender equality at home.

One probably solution is to change people’s assumption about sex role. It is essential to raise people’s awareness about gender equality through education, because many people consider house duties as women’s tasks. As a result, education helps to raise men’s awareness about their responsibilities at home, so they may be willing to share households with their wives.

Equal husband and wife economic power is the second approach to shorten the gender gap at home. Women are at weak side, because they have less financial attribution for family than men. Therefore, women should improve themselves both knowledge and skills to take over the men’s sole breadwinners as well as to gain equality in their houses. If women are independent financial supporters, it may be easy to divide housework and childcare.

The most useful solution is to improve women’s communicative skills, which are the ways women control and distribute housework for their husbands. Women should have their own skills in order to encourage their husbands to do housework. For example, husbands can join hands to take care of some kinds of households such as dish washing, tiding up, and guiding children to do homework.

It is true that the disproportionate amount of housework and childcare is difficult to eliminate. We should take actions as soon as possible to make a better life for all women in the world. 

..........move forward and succeed.............

May 25, 2012
11:46 pm
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writefix
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Hi Rose2802

Thanks for all your great work and comments.  I think you are doing an excellent job!

Here are a few of my comments on this essay

Introduction: Thesis Sentence

You wrote:

It is widely believed that women are the principal people in family who take care of all members’ routines and households. Nevertheless, in my opinion, both men and women should have equal distribution to the house’s duties. Some solutions should be soon implemented in order to promote the gender equality at home.

I would remove the passive in the first and third sentences. You have linked smoothly from the first to the second sentence and your opinion is clear -  great! However, I don’t like the ‘some solutions’ wording in the thesis sentence. Tell us! Don’t leave us in suspense!

A strong thesis sentence guides the reader to the layout of your essay. You have five paragraphs: it would be good for the reader to know what to expect in each paragraph.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In many homes, women do the bulk of the work. In my opinion, however, both men and women should have equal responsibility for the house’s duties. To promote the gender equality at home, we need more education, more economic power, and more assertiveness.

I've kept the order from your paragraphs  (Para 2: education; Para 3: money; Para 4: communication).

Articles

  • …to promote the gender equality at home. → to promote gender equality at home.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • One probably solution is to change people’s assumption about sex role. → One possible solution is to change people’s assumptions about sex roles.
      
  • Women are at weak side, because they have less financial attribution for family than men. →

    Women are in a weaker position because they have less financial power than men  OR

  • Women are at a disadvantage because they have less financial input than men
      
  • Therefore, women should improve themselves both knowledge and skills to take over the men’s sole breadwinners as well as to gain equality in their houses. → Women, therefore, should improve their knowledge and skills and challenge or take over the men’s role of sole breadwinner.
      
  • If women are independent financial supporters, it may be easy to divide housework and childcare. → If women are financially independent, it may be easier to divide responsibility for housework and childcare.

Cohesion

Cohesion in IELTS means linking between sentences and inside sentences.  Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Cohesion.

 You wrote

It is essential to raise people’s awareness about gender equality through education, because many people consider house duties as women’s tasks. As a result, education helps to raise men’s awareness about their responsibilities at home, so they may be willing to share households with their wives.

Using “as a result” here is not really accurate – we need to change the tense to link it to the previous sentence. We could rewrite it like this:

It is essential to raise people’s awareness about gender equality through education, because many people consider house duties as women’s tasks. Education would help to raise men’s awareness about their responsibilities at home, so they would be more willing to share the responsibilities with their wives.

Ideas and Organization

In Paragraph 4 , you wrote:

Women should have their own skills in order to encourage their husbands to do housework. For example, husbands can join hands to take care of some kinds of households such as dish washing, tiding up, and guiding children to do homework.

The second sentence doesn’t link smoothly from the first. What skills should women have? You described what men could do. Do you mean that women should be able to stand up for themselves or communicate better?

Conclusion

I think you could write a stronger conclusion. The word ‘actions’ is weak -  tell us! Specify!  You wrote:

We should take actions as soon as possible to make a better life for all women in the world. 

Here’s one possible rewrite:

If women earned more and were better able to speak up, then we would find more husbands in the kitchen -  and not just at the fridge.   OR

If women had more financial power and were more assertive, men would soon learn to share responsibility at home.

Why did you go for a five-paragraph layout? It’s not a criticism -  it’s just an enquiry. Why five paragraphs rather than 4 or 6?

Overall, clearly organized and argued. Try to avoid passives: "Passives, like cliches, should be avoided like the plague."  

May 27, 2012
12:15 am
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It is widely believed that women are the principal people in family who take care of all members’ routines and households. Nevertheless, i In my opinion, both men and women should have equal distribution to the house’s duties. Some solutions should be soon implemented in order to promote the gender equality at home.

 

One probably solution is to change people’s assumption about sex role. It is essential to raise people’s awareness about gender equality through education, because many people consider house duties as women’s tasks. As a result, education will helps to raise men’s awareness about their responsibilities at home, so they may be willing to share households ? with their wives.

Equal husband and wife economic power can be a is the second approach to shorten the gender gap at home. Women are at a weak side, because they have less financial attribution for family than men. Therefore, women should gain such  improve themselves both knowledge and skills to take over the men’s sole breadwinners as well as to gain equality in their houses through which they can contribute financially for their house well-being. If women are become independent financial supporters, it may become easy for them to divide housework and childcare.

The most useful solution is to improve women’s communicative skills, which can act as a  are the ways to stimulate interaction.By this, women can control and distribute housework for with their husbands. Women should have their own such skills in order to encourage their husbands to do housework. For example, husbands can join hands to take care of some kinds of households work such as dish washing, tiding up, and guiding children to do homework.(How is your example related to communication)

It is true that the disproportionate amount of housework and childcare is difficult to eliminate. We should take actions as soon as possible to make a better life for all women in the world. 

May 28, 2012
11:57 pm
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Hi Anufrancis

Some good comments here on Rose2802’s essay.

I like the way you are spotting some unnecessary words, and I like the comment in the fourth paragraph about making sure the example is related to the topic sentence or the central idea in the paragraph.

Good job!

May 29, 2012
7:32 pm
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hello Mr Writefix and Anufrancis,

thank you for your comments, they are really useful for me to improve my writing.

recently, i am studying for my final test, so i will stop comment on other writing in a short time.

thank you very much for your feedback!

..........move forward and succeed.............

May 29, 2012
7:45 pm
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Hi Mr.enda,

I was wondering if someone who wants to get 7 band score or higher which word would be better to choose? For example :

Media have a myriad of contents OR Media have a lot of contents. If there is not different then what is the difference between someone who knows and can use such words from the rest. Regarding this fact that "lexical vocabulary" is one of the criteria in IELTS writing. I think this is one of the most frequently question that IELTS candidates like me face to it. How can I impress my examiner to get higher band score. I do apologize if this question is repeated.

 

Best regards,

May 29, 2012
11:06 pm
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writefix
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Thanks Rose2802 -  you're welcome!

Please drop by again when you have time!

May 29, 2012
11:30 pm
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Hi Brian

You asked the difference between

Media have a myriad of contents OR Media have a lot of contents

I would not use either. I might say something like: 

Advertisers have a myriad of ways to convince customers  OR

Media today does not mean not just newspapers or radio, but a myriad of forms /a myriad forms -  tweets, facebook advertisements, games, apps, websites, advertisements, infomercials  OR

Today we have a myriad forms of media   OR

We are bombarded by a myriad media.  

But....

To be honest, I would not use the word. It's too unusual.  I had to go to a concordancer to look for examples

Really I can't hammer home enough the point that the writing exam is not a test of vocabulary. No matter what your teachers tell you, it is not about squeezing in one or two unusual words. The Reading test is the test of vocab, not the Writing test.

Rather, it is about using normal speech in a natural way and with perfect accuracy for the context. Yes, you should use low-frequency (less common) items if you want a Band 8 or 9, but really these should be phrases which arise naturally out of the context or the flow of the sentence.

I know that's not very helpful to you. Here's an example. 

I could (I wouldn't, but I could) use a word like 'lachrymose' in an essay:

Many supporters were left lachrymose last night when Manchester United beat Chelsea. 

Yes it's a nice, less-common, low-frequency word (it means you feel like crying). But it's completely wrong! No one ever uses it. Far better to say "A massive wave of depression swept over Old Trafford when Chelsea scored five minutes before the end" or "Grown men were seen crying last night as their team's hopes of qualifying were swept away."

You probably won't be writing about sport in Task 2, but the point is the same. Keep things simple. Don't build the sentence around a word: instead, let the sentence grow organically from the idea.

Leave the complicated words out, because they need a complicated setting.  The challenge in IELTS is to deal with fairly difficult ideas in just 250 words. The language should be accurate first and foremost, and then should be just a little different if you want to stand out. But don't ransack the dictionary for words to include. Let your ideas speak for themselves.

May 29, 2012
11:41 pm
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Here's what Mark Twain, the American writer, journalist, and traveler who gave us Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer had to say about long and complicated words:

...an average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it down till the average is three letters and a half.

...I never write 'metropolis' for seven cents, because I can get the same money for 'city.' I never write 'policeman,' because I can get the same price for 'cop.' And so on and so on. I never write 'valetudinarian' at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; I wouldn't do it for fifteen.

Mark Twain: Address at the annual dinner of the Associated Press, at the Waldorf-Astoria, New York, September 18, 1906.

 

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