Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix.com!
Your essays is 365 words long, which is a little high. I recommend between 270 to 325 words. You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page- this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.
Your average sentence length is 18.25, which is definitely too high. I recommend that you add some very short sentences (4-10 words) for their impact and to reduce the average. I also recommend that you split longer sentences and try to have fewer ideas per sentence.
Overall you have a very good command of structure and an enviable vocabulary. My main recommendation is to reduce your sentence length and eliminate unnecessary words.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- They will analyses what are their current needs and not simply relying on those advertisements to tell them what they need. → They will analyze their needs and not simply rely on advertisements to tell them what they need.
In addition, some products might also be able to create a ‘real need’ in the society such as Apple products.
‘In addition’ is not correct here. You have been discussing informed consumers and how they don’t simply respond to ads. ‘However’ would be a better choice: you are now discussing how Apple created a demand for their products.
It has been used to captivate the society’s consumptions in order to increase the volume of sales of the companies. (20 words)
Here's a shorter version:
Advertising attracts consumers and increases sales. (6 words)
- Since famous celebrities have massive influences in the market, the advertisers use the celebrities as a bait to create wants from the societies. (23 words)
Advertisers use celebrities and their massive influence to create a demand. (11 words)
- For example, perfumes represented by Madonna might cast a huge charm on her fans to have those.
For example, perfumes represented by Madonna are very likely to be popular with her fans
Moreover, the matching of the advertisements and today’s society issues also represent the relationship between advertisement and society needs. For instance, health issues that have merged recently caused consumers to react towards related advertised goods. (35 words, 2 sentences, 17.5 words per sentence)
This might benefit from a more specific example:
Moreover, advertising often reflects issues in society. After recent scandals over baby food ingredients, consumers are more concerned about health and safety. Advertisers have responded by stressing the health benefits or strict quality control of their products. (38 words, 3 sentences, 12.7 words per sentence)
Avoid using ‘however’ to join sentences. You wrote:
In summary, I agree that advertisements ‘brainwash’ the consumers’ attitude towards needs to some extent, however, the real need still underlies in the consumers’ inner decision.
Here’s the easiest way to fix this problem: Write two sentences!
In summary, I agree that advertisements brainwash consumers to some extent. However, the real need still lies in the consumers’ inner decisions and needs.
You can also do this, using a semicolon, but I don’t recommend it:
In summary, I agree that advertisements brainwash consumers to some extent; however, the real need still lies in the consumers’ inner decisions and needs.
Go for the first option, and keep your sentences short. Your readers will love you for it.