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Traveling before university enrollment
Topic Rating: 4 Topic Rating: 4 Topic Rating: 4 Topic Rating: 4 Topic Rating: 4 Topic Rating: 4 (1 votes) 
June 27, 2012
11:50 pm
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In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this

Traveling is one of the hobbies of many people since long time. Now a day, travelling is not a way of mere amusement but it is accepted as way of learning too. In some countries high school passed students are encouraged for year around travel before they enter into university. This essay focuses on the advantages and disadvantages of such practice.

Allowing young people for travelling is advantageous since they are exposed to the new way of learning which is different from what is obtained from academic books. They can get chance to interact with people from different societies which, in turn, bolster their understanding about people. For example, a boy from western country, if visits third world countries, will understand how people struggle for basic needs. Similarly if someone from third world countries visits western countries, he will witness what a developed society looks like. Another advantage for young people can be the chance of developing their personal interest before they start university education. By seeing Eiffel Tower, someone tends to be architecture or by visiting a nice restaurant other one may choose to be chef. 

In contrast, there are also disadvantages of the trend. At first, the parents, especially those from middle class, need to bear extra financial burden if travelling becomes must-do. Secondly, early age people tend to learn bad things quickly if they are away from their family for considerably long time. When they are at home, they receive proper guardianship and care from their parents which is not the case if they are away from home. At last, there will be delay in academic progress if people choose to travel. In today competitive world, it is always better if the graduates reach the job market as early as possible. This is because early any one step on the market quicker is chance of getting job.

In summary, travelling before entering university makes the young person practical, which is advantageous. On the other side, if travelling becomes like fashion, parents will have difficulties in supporting their children. In my opinion, both positive and negative aspect should be evaluated before deciding whether to travel or not after the schooling 

June 28, 2012
12:54 am
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Dear Ramesh,

It seems you really work hard.I can notice so much of change in your  essay in really short period of time.

Good to see thesis sentence on your first paragraph and many illustrations in the body paragraph.

I think the first sentence you wrote is not needed.You can start your essay from your second sentence.Hope you will get Mr Write Fix view on this.

June 28, 2012
8:26 pm
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Dear Mr Writefix,  

I write this essay as well and continue to wait your criticism ..lol..

 

Nowadays, a gap year is increasingly growing in popularity in many countries. Some people believe that taking a year off of the academic study should be encouraged among high school graduates. In this essay, I will examine the reasons for and against taking a gap year.

There are plenty of benefits for putting off university for a year.  Firstly, teenagers can gain work experience.  A gap year offers them a good opportunity to learn work-related skills, and helps build up their confidence for the employment in the future.  Secondly, traveling or working also teaches students how to be self-reliant.  For instance, gap-year takers will learn to do things for themselves, such as doing the laundry or finding a job. Lastly, students can raise funds for their next travel or university expenses.  This also helps to alleviate the financial burden of their family.  As a result, taking a gap year benefits students in many aspects.

However, we should also not neglect the drawbacks of a gap year (or However, many people are concerned about many disadvantages of taking a gap year. .....a second is better?  hmmm need your suggestion). The primary disadvantage is students find themselves hard to get back into the routine of work and study.  A year gap from university studies may leave them unable to acclimatize the sudden shift. Furthermore, it is a waste of time. For example, given the experience of doing public services, potential employers might not feel the candidates’ experiences applicable to relevant jobs. Thereby, their effort is in vain. Additionally, it is somewhat dangerous.  Specifically, young students are likely to get badly lost, catch serious diseases or get bullied while traveling overseas.

1. To summarize, there are many benefits of taking a year off before university studies. They include helping students gain work experience, earning money, and fostering the independence.  However, we should also weigh up the negative effects that a gap year brings. (In my opinion, if we can ensure that a gap year is beneficial, exciting and fun, more parents will accept a gap year as a study plan for their children in the future.) this sentence i feel a bit awkward but expect your comment on it.

2.

To summarize, although some believe that students should go directly to university, I feel strongly that taking a gap year can help students gain work experience, raise money, and foster their independence.

 

i intend to adjust a bit with the sentence structure and hope Mr admin give me some suggestions about it.


                                                    

June 30, 2012
9:59 am
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Hi ChrisLuke

Thanks for this essay and for all your comments on other members’ essays!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • to acclimatize the sudden shift → to acclimatize to the sudden shift
  • They include…fostering the independence.  → They include…fostering independence.  

Parallel

The second sentence here is not exactly parallel. It could also be joined to the previous one and become less choppy.

To summarize, there are many benefits of taking a year off before university studies. They include helping students gain work experience, earning money, and fostering the independence.  (27 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Taking a year off before college can provide work experience, extra money, and greater independence.  (15 words)

 You wrote:

For example, an economics student might feel difficult to convince the employer for a financial planning job, given the experience of doing public service.

The subject is not quite clear. Here’s one possible rewrite:

For example, a bank might not be convinced of the relevance of a [potential employee’s] gap year spent working in a nursing home or on a farm.

Cohesive devices

ChrisLuke, you are working very hard to keep sentences short and to follow a strict layout. Maybe you should relax a little! You are also using a lot of links/markers/cohesive devices – perhaps too many:

You wrote:

Additionally, it is somewhat dangerous.  Specifically, young students are likely to get badly lost, catch serious diseases or get bullied while traveling overseas.

Don’t start so many sentences with linking words  like ‘specifically’ or ‘additionally’ or ‘lastly.’  A few are good, but too many make your writing choppy.  Move some to the middle of the sentence

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Gap years can also be a little dangerous, with some students getting lost, sick or robbed while traveling overseas. (19 words)

Yes, the sentence is longer, at 19 words, but you also need a mix of structures.

Conclusion

Here’s my rewrite of your conclusion. I like the sentence you asked about. It’s a nice look at the future/recommendation

To summarize, taking a year off before college can provide work experience, extra money, and greater independence.  However, we should also weigh up the negative effects that a gap year brings. In my opinion, if we can ensure that a gap year is beneficial, exciting and fun, more parents will accept a gap year for their children in the future.

Overall, you’ve worked hard on your style of writing and the result is definitely more organized and standardized. There are very few errors and your ideas are relevant and supported (although I’m not sure about the thousands of students getting lost bit -  why don’t they just look at the map on their phone to see where they are?). But don’t overdo it: make sure your own style doesn’t disappear. Now that you have all the basics, you can break the rules.

June 30, 2012
11:00 am
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Hi Ramesh and thanks for this essay.

Your essay looks long and it is long, at 363 words. Did you time yourself? Make sure you practice writing by hand in 30 minutes or so  (plan for 5-10 minutes and then write like crazy by hand for about 35-30 minutes).  I really really don’t recommend going past 320 words. Alarm bells should start ringing at 300 words. Read what Dominic Cole has to say about this on his excellent website: http://www.dcielts.com/ielts-essays/10-minute-planning-solution/

The average number of words per sentence length is 18.1. I’d like you to try to get this down to about 15 or below.

  • Break up long sentences.
  • Aim for only one or maybe two ideas per sentence.
  • Add some very short (4-8) word sentences.
  • Leave out empty phrases.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Now a dayNowadays
  • At last, there will be delay → Finally/Lastly
  • At first → First/First of all/To begin with
  • if travelling becomes like fashion → if travelling becomes a fashion
  • both positive and negative aspect → both positive and negative aspects
  • after the schooling → after high school/secondary school 
  • In today competitive world → In today’s competitive world

You wrote:

At first, the parents, especially those from middle class, need to bear extra financial burden if travelling becomes must-do. (19 words)

Here's a suggested rewrite:

First, many parents cannot afford to pay for a child to travel. (14 words).

Shorten/Simplify

I agree with Bindu about the first sentence. You only have 250 words (yes, that’s the challenge of IELTS -  not to write as much as you can, but to aim to complete the assignment in about 250-300 words), so don’t waste time: jump straight in and get to the point quickly.

You wrote:

Traveling is one of the hobbies of many people since long time. Now a day, travelling is not a way of mere amusement but it is accepted as way of learning too. In some countries high school passed students are encouraged for year around travel before they enter into university. This essay focuses on the advantages and disadvantages of such practice. (61 words, four sentences, 15.2 words per sentence)

Here’s one possible rewrite. I’m going to remove passive and unnecessary words. I’m going to remove the standard sentence at the end (the one that could be used in a million essays). (Sorry Bindu - I have to disagree with you here! Make thesis sentences relevant to the topic, and avoid pronoun references like "such practice" which force the reader to go back. Good writing goes forward, always forward.)

Travelling is a great way to learn, and many high school graduates take a year off to travel before entering university. However, while a gap year can help some students to learn about the world or decide on their major, it’s not for every family. (44 words, 2 sentences, 20.5 words)

The sentences are a little long, but that’s acceptable in an introduction. They will be balanced by some very short sentences in the body. I’ve incorporated the main ideas from your body paragraphs into the thesis sentence, in the same order.

Clarify

You wrote:

This is because early any one step on the market quicker is chance of getting job.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This is because the sooner you are in the market, the better your chance of getting a job.

Specify!

Avoid the word ‘things’

You wrote:

Secondly, early age people tend to learn bad things quickly if they are away from their family for considerably long time.

Bad things: Accordion music? Pineapple pizza? Justin Bieber’s greatest hits? Dandruff? Devil worship? 

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Secondly, young people may experiment with alcohol, drugs or sex if they are away from their family [for a considerable time].

Just say it. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you specify? We don’t need to whisper here. There are no children listening.

Topic Sentences

Here’s your topic sentence from Paragraph Two. It should summarize the entire paragraph, but in fact it only summarizes the first part. Try to avoid passives. 

Allowing young people for travelling is advantageous since they are exposed to the new way of learning which is different from what is obtained from academic books.

Your second paragraph is 126 words, 6 sentences, 21 words per sentence on average. This suggested rewrite is a little shorter, at 104 words, in seven sentences and an average sentence length of 14.7 words.  Topic sentences can be very short.

A gap year spent traveling has many advantages. First, it exposes young people to new ways of learning. Travelling motivates you to pick up languages and learn new skills in non-academic ways. It also increases cultural and political awareness.  Young people can interact with different cultures, see how many people struggle for basic needs, or learn how different political and economic systems work. Another advantage of a gap year is the chance to develop your interests before starting university. By seeing the Eiffel Tower, a future student may decide to study architecture, or by tasting new foods choose to become a chef.  (102 words, 7 sentences, average 14.5 words per sentence.)

The topic sentence above has only 8 words. You could also write longer topic sentences which summarize the paragraph. Here are two examples

  • A gap year spent traveling can increase cultural awareness, lead to new ways of learning, and help you decide on a major.
  • A gap year can change how you learn, how you think about others, and even what you choose to study.

Generic sentences

You wrote:

In contrast, there are also disadvantages of the trend.

This sentence could be used in a million essays. Make every sentence relevant to the question. Here’s one possible rewrite:

However, a gap year is not suitable for all students. 

However, parents and young people need to think carefully before deciding on a gap year. 

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