Hi Ramesh and thanks for this essay.
Your essay looks long and it is long, at 363 words. Did you time yourself? Make sure you practice writing by hand in 30 minutes or so (plan for 5-10 minutes and then write like crazy by hand for about 35-30 minutes). I really really don’t recommend going past 320 words. Alarm bells should start ringing at 300 words. Read what Dominic Cole has to say about this on his excellent website: http://www.dcielts.com/ielts-essays/10-minute-planning-solution/
The average number of words per sentence length is 18.1. I’d like you to try to get this down to about 15 or below.
- Break up long sentences.
- Aim for only one or maybe two ideas per sentence.
- Add some very short (4-8) word sentences.
- Leave out empty phrases.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Now a day → Nowadays
- At last, there will be delay → Finally/Lastly
- At first → First/First of all/To begin with
- if travelling becomes like fashion → if travelling becomes a fashion
- both positive and negative aspect → both positive and negative aspects
- after the schooling → after high school/secondary school
- In today competitive world → In today’s competitive world
At first, the parents, especially those from middle class, need to bear extra financial burden if travelling becomes must-do. (19 words)
Here's a suggested rewrite:
First, many parents cannot afford to pay for a child to travel. (14 words).
I agree with Bindu about the first sentence. You only have 250 words (yes, that’s the challenge of IELTS - not to write as much as you can, but to aim to complete the assignment in about 250-300 words), so don’t waste time: jump straight in and get to the point quickly.
Traveling is one of the hobbies of many people since long time. Now a day, travelling is not a way of mere amusement but it is accepted as way of learning too. In some countries high school passed students are encouraged for year around travel before they enter into university. This essay focuses on the advantages and disadvantages of such practice. (61 words, four sentences, 15.2 words per sentence)
Here’s one possible rewrite. I’m going to remove passive and unnecessary words. I’m going to remove the standard sentence at the end (the one that could be used in a million essays). (Sorry Bindu - I have to disagree with you here! Make thesis sentences relevant to the topic, and avoid pronoun references like "such practice" which force the reader to go back. Good writing goes forward, always forward.)
Travelling is a great way to learn, and many high school graduates take a year off to travel before entering university. However, while a gap year can help some students to learn about the world or decide on their major, it’s not for every family. (44 words, 2 sentences, 20.5 words)
The sentences are a little long, but that’s acceptable in an introduction. They will be balanced by some very short sentences in the body. I’ve incorporated the main ideas from your body paragraphs into the thesis sentence, in the same order.
This is because early any one step on the market quicker is chance of getting job.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
This is because the sooner you are in the market, the better your chance of getting a job.
Avoid the word ‘things’
Secondly, early age people tend to learn bad things quickly if they are away from their family for considerably long time.
Bad things: Accordion music? Pineapple pizza? Justin Bieber’s greatest hits? Dandruff? Devil worship?
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Secondly, young people may experiment with alcohol, drugs or sex if they are away from their family [for a considerable time].
Just say it. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you specify? We don’t need to whisper here. There are no children listening.
Here’s your topic sentence from Paragraph Two. It should summarize the entire paragraph, but in fact it only summarizes the first part. Try to avoid passives.
Allowing young people for travelling is advantageous since they are exposed to the new way of learning which is different from what is obtained from academic books.
Your second paragraph is 126 words, 6 sentences, 21 words per sentence on average. This suggested rewrite is a little shorter, at 104 words, in seven sentences and an average sentence length of 14.7 words. Topic sentences can be very short.
A gap year spent traveling has many advantages. First, it exposes young people to new ways of learning. Travelling motivates you to pick up languages and learn new skills in non-academic ways. It also increases cultural and political awareness. Young people can interact with different cultures, see how many people struggle for basic needs, or learn how different political and economic systems work. Another advantage of a gap year is the chance to develop your interests before starting university. By seeing the Eiffel Tower, a future student may decide to study architecture, or by tasting new foods choose to become a chef. (102 words, 7 sentences, average 14.5 words per sentence.)
The topic sentence above has only 8 words. You could also write longer topic sentences which summarize the paragraph. Here are two examples
- A gap year spent traveling can increase cultural awareness, lead to new ways of learning, and help you decide on a major.
- A gap year can change how you learn, how you think about others, and even what you choose to study.
In contrast, there are also disadvantages of the trend.
This sentence could be used in a million essays. Make every sentence relevant to the question. Here’s one possible rewrite:
However, a gap year is not suitable for all students.
However, parents and young people need to think carefully before deciding on a gap year.