Hi Ainurik and welcome to Writefix! Thanks for adding your country - it's great to have you here. Most people don't add their country so it's a challenge to guess where they come from. Sometimes they give it away in their writing, or in an example.
AbsentCrisis has done an amazing job with the grammar. I agree with all the suggestions. Really great work!
I am just going to make a few suggestions about organization and ideas.
Your essay is 264 words long, which is fine, and has an average sentence length of 12.57, which is very good. Your vocabulary is very simple, apart from some wrong choices like 'frolic,' 'speculate,' or 'maters,' but you have a lot of word form errors (you have the right word, but the wrong form of it), and a lot of weaknesses with prepositions. Try to keep your vocabulary quite simple: don't try to make it more complicated yet.
Your second paragraph is about the negative side of computers for children, and your third paragraph is about the positive side. I would change this order. Generally, in a four paragraph essay with two sides, it's a good idea to put side you agree with in the third paragraph, like this:
- Intro: situation/background
- Yes I computers can be useful for three reasons: A, B, and C
- However children should not use them too much because X, Y, and Z
- Conclusion: computers can be OK but I think children should not use them too much
In your introduction, you need a thesis sentence. You wrote:
The bases of my view are personal and academic.
I think I understand it, but it could be clearer. Use a simpler word than 'bases.' Here's a possible rewrite:
In this essay I will give some academic uses of computers for children, but I will also disagree with children spending too much leisure time using computers.
Yes, it's a long sentence, but your average is very short. You need a mix. The thesis sentence tells the reader the order your are going to write in. It helps the reader to predict what is coming. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.
Your third paragraph is a lot shorter than Paragraph Two. Try to balance your essay. It's a bit vague as well: Absent Crisis already comment on the word 'stuff.' You could also relate paragraph this to children more - it's a bit general.
Coherence and Linking Words
It's good to add a few words to show progression in your essay. Add a few of these:
- First of all /First,
- Another point is that...
- Another problem with computers is that...
- A second benefit of computers is that...
- Computers can also help children by..
Your style is nice and informal. Don't try changing it too much: just aim for more accuracy first! Before you post again, run your essay through Microsoft Word or some of the online readability tools at the top of this page.
Again, thanks for the essay, and a big thanks also to Absent Crisis!