Hello Alison again!
You have some good ideas in this essay.
Your essay is 337 words which is fairly OK (250 is the minimum for IELTS) but careful not to write too much. You only have 40 minutes for Task 2 and the writing is the last part of the exam!
More worryingly, you have an average of over 19 words per sentence.
If I could give one piece of advice, it would be - Write Shorter Sentences! Try to reduce the average sentence length.
- Break up long sentences. Replace commas with full stops.
- Leave out unnecessary parts and phrases
- Have only one idea per sentence: don't try to have two or three ideas.
- Don't join separate ideas with commas.
- Write some very short sentences (fewer than 8 words).
- "It's impossible to fight nature."
- "Many media organizations focus purely on money."
- "Disasters are all around us."
- Use "this/that/these/ etc": "Television channels compete to show the most graphic images. These are designed to upset viewers or fan their anger."
Crying faces, threatened faces, angered faces, are deeply engraved in our minds, which makes us really feel sorry for these poor people (22 words average sentence length)
The crying and angry faces are deeply engraved on our minds. We feel sorry for these people. (8.5 words average sentence length).
- Have a mix of short sentences and longer ones.
Word Choice/Word Form
When open the television, we always see the pictures are telling the typhoon happened inPhilippines, the earthquake ofJapanand the war inIran.
When we turn on the television, we always see pictures showing typhoons in the Philippines, earthquakes in Japan or war in Iran.
Word Choice/Word Form
- The news sometimes are exaggerate and disordered. ==> Sometimes, the news is exaggerated or not reported fully.
The resource of this phenomenon is that there are so many disasters and violence are happening everyday in current society.
Disasters and violence happen every day.
Watch out for run-ons, comma splices, and fragments.
For example, when the earthquake happened inSichuanprovince in 2008. Through the rapid reported by the interior and other international media, all the people around our country take action to help the refugees of this area, by donating money, offering health care and helping this area rebuilding.
For example, after the 2008 Sichuan earthquake, rapid reporting by the local and international media encouraged people throughout China to help the refugees by donating money, offering health care and rebuilding.
However, not all the media is that responsible and conscientious, some of them just repeat this type of news again and again to catch people’s focus, for the aim of chasing profit.
However, not all the media is responsible or conscientious. Some repeat certain images again and again to catch people’s attention, just to chase profit.
And that is a abnormal, easily causes the unstability of society.
This kind of reporting and misinformation does not help people to develop their opinions
Keep on topic
Is this sentence really on topic?
Otherwise, the government need to publish the stricter laws to reduce the crime rates, meanwhile, they should notice that themselves’ behaviors do not injure people’s legitimate freedom
But the main advice I would give again Alison is to really be ruthless and see what can be left out, not what can be added. Keep sentences short!