Hello Ngo Duy Quang
Thanks for this essay! Lots of good things about it. Let me just look at a few ways it could be improved!
Word Count and Sentence Length
It’s a little long, at 400 words. If you are aiming at IELTS Task 2! It’s better if you can keep your essays to about 350 words maximum. There’s no penalty, but writers who write more often make more grammar and structure mistakes.
Think of Task 2 as a challenge – not to write as much as you can within 40 minutes, but to write 250-325 or maybe 350 words in 40 minutes.
Your average sentence length is also long at 19 words. You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page- this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.
I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, with different structures (simple, complex and compound) one or two questions.
Nowadays, with the constant development of many social aspects, one day with only 24 hours seems to be not sufficient with an active person. (24 words)
The middle phrase doesn’t really say anything. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Nowadays, 24 hours in a day does not seem to be enough. (12 words) OR
Nowadays, 24 hours in a day is not enough. (9 words)
As a result, people always have to confront stress, which is adversely uncomfortable. To be more specific, the three main causes of stress refer to career, relationship and health-related problems.
Do these two highlighted phrases really link smoothly to the previous sentences? Here are some possible changes. I’ve made the thesis sentence tell the reader more explicitly what you are going to do
Nowadays, 24 hours does not seem to be enough hours in a day for our busy lives. As a result of this increase in stimulation and activity, many people are suffering physically and psychologically from stress. In this essay, I will describe three sources of stress in our careers, relationships, and health.
Shorten/Simplify: Use Fewer Nouns
The high development of the industrial era coinciding with the more competitiveness among companies lead to a significant increase in the employers' workload. (23 words)
There are a lot of nouns in this sentence. Nouns or nominalizations slow down your sentences. Try to have fewer nouns in your sentences, or to replace them with adjectives or verbs. The solitary verb above also has an agreement problem.
Today’s highly-developed industries and competitive business environments mean more pressure at work. (12 words)
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- someone who pays too much attention on career → someone who pays too much attention to his or her career OR people who pay too much attention to their careers
- the only think we can do is → the only thing we can do is
- They have to choose between being unemployed or standing high pressure. → They have to choose between being unemployed or working under pressure.
- people always have to confront stress → (you’ve used ‘confront’ twice - it’s an unusual choice. I’d prefer ‘deal with’ or ‘cope with’ for at least the second time.)
- In stead of feeling nervous → Instead of feeling stressed (‘Nervous’ means jumpy, not relaxed, not calm - it doesn’t mean angry.)
- colleagues feel jealous with each other → colleagues feel jealous of each other
- they cannot feel more relaxing → they cannot feel more relaxed OR they cannot relax
- these people cannot evade from stress → these people cannot avoid stress
- having a ralationship benefits human being → having a relationship benefits humans OR having relationships benefits human beings
Examples: Three is a Magic Number
For instance, parents do not have enough time to spend with their children, colleagues feel jealous with each other because of the career prospect, etc.
This is fine, but three is better. Don’t use ‘etc’ with two examples – use ‘or.’
- In summary, there has been more and more causes of stress → In summary, there have been more and more causes of stress
But this sentence would probably be better in the present tense
In summary, there are many causes of stress.
Overall, I like the ideas in your conclusion, and your layout is clear. The essay is easy to read. But I’d still recommend a shorter essay, and I’d definitely recommend adding some very short sentences (5-10 words). You have some great skills, though!
Thanks for your comments!
Thanks for taking the time to write comments on some of the other essays here - people love to get feedback! I really appreciate it!
Remember, everyone, it doesn't have to be a long comment - just a few lines about one or two aspects of an essay. There are a lot of new essays so you have plenty to choose from!