Hi Tnduong and welcome back!
It’s a long essay, at 380 words. How much time did you spend writing it? Remember, you have to write by hand, and you only have 30-35 minutes, after leaving 5 or 10 minutes for planning. Most students who write long essays make more mistakes because
- They haven’t thought about how they can write in the most elegant, most economical or most effective way
- They are in a hurry
- They haven’t practiced for the test
- They get stuck on one point and can’t get away from it
Remember it’s not just a test of your writing - it’s a test of your writing in 250 words in 40 minutes. Those two little aspects change the rules of the game: you can’t write everything. What you leave out is as important a decision as what you include.
Think of it as a puzzle, like a crossword or Sudoku, not open-ended expressive writing. It’s a game with particular rules. And remember, you should be able to write the same essay with the opposite ideas, regardless of your actual opinion!
Having said that...
Having said that, I think you have written a well-developed and fully-supported essay. The examples from Vietnam make it very clear. After a shaky introduction, the essay gets better and better. The organization is clear and the ideas are developed. There is no repetition. The biggest problem with word choice is with the word ‘realistic ‘ – I think you could use ‘realities’ or ‘problems’ or ‘real-life situation’ or something like that.
Here are a few minor fixes.
Your intro is the weakest part of an otherwise good essay.
In your first sentence, you wrote:
Working I an essential activity, and it takes most of time in our adult life.
There are two errors here (articles, spelling/or missing verb) in just the first sentence, not counting the generalizations! Try to get at least the first sentence right!
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Working takes up a large part of our adult life.
In your thesis sentence, try to avoid repetition of the question. You wrote:
This essay will discuss the aspects that contribute to job satisfaction, and the realistic of all workers' expectation of this feeling.
This is very similar to the question. Here’s one possible rewrite:
This essay will discuss what can make work interesting and fulfilling, and ask if this is achievable for most workers.
Linking Sentences (Cohesion)
Firstly, working environment plays an important part of creating satisfaction. A boss need to be inspirational, which means he or she takes responsibility and concerns about employees' thoughts and feelings.
You could move more smoothly from the first sentence to the second one. Here are two possible rewrites:
Firstly, a good working environment with a fair boss and cooperation between employees is an important part of creating satisfaction. A boss needs…
Firstly, the working environment plays an important part in creating satisfaction. For example, if your boss is fair and your colleagues are cooperative, it becomes more pleasant to go to work.
Have a look at more about linking ideas here.
- Firstly, working environment plays an important part → Firstly, the working environment plays an important part
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Hence, workers will bring more affords→? (I don’t know what you mean - workers feel more comfortable? workers will make more effort?)
- Workers will feel satisfy → . Workers will feel satisfied
- On the other hand, some realistic prevent workers from their job satisfaction →
On the other hand, some practical problems prevent workers from achieving job satisfaction OR
On the other hand, some realities prevent workers from reaching job satisfaction.
- Do they have to work in other jobs which they may do not have passion
This is a good idea, but I am not sure if you want a question here. You could have a statement or a question:
- Do they have to work in other jobs for which they may not have a passion?
- This means that they often have to work in other jobs for which they may not have a passion
In your conclusion, you wrote:
In the future, workers may be more harder to find this satisfaction because the economic crisis which can lead to many difficulties in finding jobs.
Here’s a rewrite:
In the future, workers may find it harder to achieve job satisfaction because of the economic crisis which can lead to many difficulties in finding jobs.
Your body paragraphs (Paragraphs 2 and 3) show very good writing skills. It would be great if you can help some other people out on this forum - lots of new essays from new people here!