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Introductions: What makes work fulfilling?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
April 11, 2012
11:19 pm
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Tehran
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If you don't mind I would like to start from scratch based on your instructions. I wrote just an introduction, I know it may be irrelevant but I put it here, please forget me. also I would like to ask that do you recommend both side analysis for following question or just one side coverage:

Many people decide on a career path early in their lives and keep to it. This, they argue, leads to a more satisfying working life.
To what extent do you agree with this view? What other things can people do in order to have a satisfying working life?


Fulfilling working life can be achieved in different approaches. The main prerequiste is irrefutably perseverance.
In addition appropriately choosing carrier can significantly contribute. I deeply believe that this
vital decision cannot be mad correctly early in the life. Largly because of insufficient knowledge as well as changing prefrences.
April 11, 2012
11:24 pm
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writefix
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Hi Ali!

Thanks for this essay topic and for the challenge of just writing an introduction. It's often the hardest part of the essay to write. 

Topic:

Many people decide on a career path early in their lives and keep to it. This, they argue, leads to a more satisfying working life. To what extent do you agree with this view? What other things can people do in order to have a satisfying working life?


 Here are some different kinds of introductions for an essay on this topic. I wrote them before I read yours. The examples are not in the same order.
  • Two Questions
  • Some people/Other people Think
  • What some people think/What I think
  • Situation/Example
  • Story
  1. When my uncle left school at 14 to work as an office boy in a shipping company in our city, he could not imagine that 40 years later he would become the general manager. Now retired, he looks back with pride on his successful career. He is an example of a life well spent learning a business and being rewarded for that hard work and loyalty. I will explain why I think, despite today's increased mobility, that his example is one to follow.  (83 words, 20 words average per sentence – too high!)
     
  2. Some people think it's a good idea to change jobs frequently. Others believe in staying in the same line of work and learning it completely. In this essay, I will ask if variety or extensive experience make work more rewarding. (40 words, 13.3 words per sentence)
     
  3. Although some people criticize me for changing jobs several times since I left college, I think the changes been invaluable in improving my skills and my satisfaction at work. This essay will look at ways to make work more interesting and satisfying.  (40 words, 19 word average sentence length)
     
  4. Millions of people slave away at the same job for their entire working life, with perhaps a small change location or pay grade as compensation for decades of boredom. Others, however, have CVs that are pages long with many changes of direction and career. In this essay, I will argue that having the courage to change is invaluable in achieving your full potential at work. (65 words, 21.6 word per sentence on average. Hmmmm.)
     
  5. Why do some people seem to relish new challenges and complete changes of direction in their working lives? And why are majority of us afraid of change? This essay will outline how working life can be more rewarding and satisfying by making sure that we are doing what we really want to do. (53 words, 17.6 words per sentence)

You wrote:

Fulfilling working life can be achieved in different approaches. The main prerequiste is irrefutably perseverance. In addition appropriately choosing carrier can significantly contribute. I deeply believe that this vital decision cannot be mad correctly early in the life.  Largly because of insufficient knowledge as well as changing prefrences. (48 words, 12 words average per sentence).

You’ve done a good job of using shorter sentences. But now the problem is that they are a little too choppy.  There’s also a fragment which needs work.  

 Usage/Word Choice

Fulfilling working life can be achieved in different approaches ==> A fulfilling working life can be achieved by using different approaches. OR  A fulfilling working life can be achieved in different ways.

The main prerequiste is irrefutably perseverance.

Irrefutably: It’s a beautiful word. It’s Dickensian. In fact it’s so nice that I have decided not to expose it to the ignorant public eye. I’m going to leave it out.

The main prerequiste is perseverance.

There’s no point in using a word like ‘irrefutably’ if there are basic errors in the rest of the paragraph. A word like ‘irrefutably’ draws attention and raises expectation. So when the reader finds in the next sentence…

In addition appropriately choosing carrier can significantly contribute.

… a spelling mistake, a missing article, a misused adjective, and a verb without an object -  the reader is very disappointed!

It’s better to stay simple. Here’s your intro paragraph, edited a little:

There are different ways of finding fulfillment in work. Perseverance - the ability to stick at a job despite its frustrations and challenges – is often praised, and sometimes rewarded.  Choosing the right career for your personality is crucial. But how can this decision be made early on? People and jobs change, and in any case most young people do not know enough about work and their own capabilities to make an informed decision. In this essay, I will suggest that there is nothing wrong with changing jobs many times in your career.  (90 words, 15 average per sentence)

It’s too long, so here’s another version:

There are different ways to find fulfillment in work. Staying in a job until you really understand it is one.  A second is choosing the right career for your personality. But if you haven’t tried different kinds of jobs, how can you know what is best for you? In this essay, I will suggest that there is nothing wrong with changing jobs many times in your career.  (69 words, 13.8 average per sentence)

April 12, 2012
12:52 am
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Tehran
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Sir,I enjoyed your instructions very much.

1-In fact, I followed Background-Thesis-Blueprints strategy to write it. I suppose, it was similar to No.4. wasn't it?

2-I noticed that you omitted so-called blueprints : insufficient knowledge, changing preferences. I think they can provide the reader with clear insight into what my arguments would be. wouldn't they?

3-Furthermore, If I wanted to write Body, I would add 3 paragraphs, 1st for describing insufficient knowledge impact, 2nd the same for changing preferences and ultimately, last paragraph for suggesting some solutions, since question ask it. My friends believe that we have to devote 1st paragraph for advantages of choosing carrier early, 2nd for its disadvantages and the last one for solution(s). What is your opinion, sir?

 

thank you for your brilliant, fabulous, and comprehensive analysis and advice.

April 14, 2012
11:22 am
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writefix
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Hi Ali

Thanks for the kind words!

Believe it or not, I hadn't ever heard of MoBaThBlue (Motivation, Background, Thesis, Blueprint), so thanks for the introduction to this format. It seems to be particularly popular in the Plymouth, Massachusetts school system. There's a very good cheat-sheet for writing longer papers which uses this approach here, and I recommend it if you have to write a longer paper.

If you are writing only 250-350 words, for example for a Task 2 IELTS essay, it may be hard to cram all of these into an introduction which may only have 60-80 words. I tend to try to put the thesis and the blueprint into one sentence. 

But the advice is still good. There are some good tips about the sentences as well.

  • Vary your sentence structures to include a mixture of simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. 
  • Use a variety of sentence beginnings. 
  • Alter the lengths of your sentences.
I suppose the important thing to remember is that the style of writing in IELTS is quite specific. It's hard to do justice to a topic in 250 -350 words. What you leave out is as important as what you put in. 
 

Thanks again!

April 14, 2012
5:23 pm
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Tehran
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That PDF was very interesting.

 

In fact,  my teacher's advice for introduction was like this: ( I do not insist on it )

 

1-For Persuasion, Suggestion, Cause and Effect, and Cause and Prediction :

   Motivator + Thesis Statement + Bridge (especially, in terms of, due to, ...), Blueprints

2-For Advantages & Disadvantages, Comparison & Contrast Both Sides :

   Motivator + Background and explanation

 

As I mentioned, practices, here on this site, were far more useful than what I have learned and done before.

Ultimately, I came to a conclusion that:

Whenever I wrote a motivator, you and some experienced experts said that it was off-topic. Additionally, introduction was wordy.Finally, As I found an endorsement for your opinion here, I omitted  the motivator and wrote like this : Concise Introduction. From your answer I found out that I should add thesis to it, and it would be OK.

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