Hi Trang and welcome to Writefix
Thanks for this essay! Are you writing it to sum up happiness, or as a class essay or a term paper, or just for the fun or writing?
Your essay is 666 words long, with 35 sentences and an average sentence length of about 18.7 words per sentence. If you are writing for IELTS, then it’s too long (the requirement is just 250 words), but I’m just going to assume that you are writing for another purpose!
Everyone, if you notice in Trang’s conclusion there is a sentence which summarizes the three body paragraphs:
I am happy because I have a home [which] welcomes me all the time, I can love and be loved by my family members.
The conclusion follows the order of the essay. The main idea of Paragraph 2 is that you are always accepted by your family; Paragraph 3 mentions that a family is a group of people you can love and help, and Paragraph 4 describes the things that family can do for you because of love.
This is what conclusions are supposed to do.
Here are a couple of grammar issues:
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- I and my father /brother → My father and I / My brother and I
- The rain helped I realize my family members interested me → The rain helped me to realize my family members are interested in me [word order]
- he would have brought for me a raincoat → he would have brought a raincoat for me [word order]
- when I buy for my younger brother a cheap toy → when I buy a cheap toy for my younger brother [word order]
- a heavy rain made I change my mind → a heavy rain made me change my mind [object pronoun]
- the main reason that makes I am happy is → the main reason that makes me happy is OR the main reason that I am happy is
- find happiness on material things → find happiness in material things [preposition/collocation]
- cooking foods which my mother like → cooking foods which my mother likes [agreement]
- although it torrential rains → although it was raining torrentially
- one thing which I am sure that it will never change is → one thing which I am sure will never change is [repeated subject]
- It was enough to make I was happier than anything else → It was enough to make me [feel] happier than anything else
- With me, the time when I buy for my younger brother a cheap toy which he likes, or it is when I and my brother do some surprise things to make our father laugh is happiness.
The sentence is very long at 36 words. Aim for a shorter sentence length of between 12 and 18 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, simple, complex and compound - for variety and impact.
Here’s one possible rewrite. It’s still quite long, at 27 words.
For me, the feeling when I buy a cheap toy that my younger brother likes, or when we surprise our father to make him laugh, is happiness.
I did not angry with her, but I really hoped that my mother had been there, she has would worry for me and I have would feel the warm from her.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
I didn’t become angry with her, but I really wished my mother had been there to worry about me and to forgive me.
Punctuation: Comma Splices, Run-Ons and Fragments
- people say that, a person will change → people say that a person will change
I think about my father, he would have brought for me a raincoat
This is a comma splice. Make sure you don’t join sentences with commas if they should be separate. Easy to fix - just change the comma to a full stop!
- However, the fact that no one could help me and I must overcame it alone
This is a fragment. You need to join it to another sentence or add some more information. Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices here.
Overall thanks for a nice essay and let us know what you are writing it for.