Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix.
Unfortunately there are only a few days left but it looks like you got some great comments from Christyzhongs and DavidLee already.
I’d agree with what they said. 369 words is too long.
You should aim to write between 250 and 300 or maybe 320 words - any more and you may be penalizing yourself due to rushed writing and increased errors. There is no penalty for writing more than 250, but you will be tired by the time it comes to Task 2 writing, and many candidates who write long essays actually score lower because of mistakes in grammar or layout.
Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side.
It’s important to practice by hand at least once or twice. Typing on the computer is not the same. You don’t have time to reorganize when you are writing by hand. You have to get it right the first time.
As well as shortening the overall essay, I’d agree with DavidLee that you should aim for shorter sentences. Your average sentence is 20.44 words. That’s too long. Check here (copy and paste your essay) at http://www.read-able.com.
Aim for a mix of structures – short (4-8 words), long (12-20 or 23 words). A lot of your sentences could be cut drastically and be made more effective.
- Some financial news also indicates that whether it is a good opportunity to invest in a property or not. (19 words)
Here's a shorter rewrite:
Financial news can indicate when suggest when to buy property. (10 words)
This is a 47-word monster.
- Furthermore, people can make comment on the government administration policy when they receive news from the newspaper and TV; people can also get involved in events such as election of a new senator or a president when this news is established in the newspaper or on TV. (47 words)
I know you are aiming for a particular style but the repetition is unnecessary;
By keeping informed, people can comment on government policy and make better choices when electing politicians. (16 words) OR
By reading newspapers or watching the news, people can comment on government policy and make better choices when electing politicians. (20 words)
Some ideas can be joined. You don’t always need to separate the idea from the example, particularly if they are very close. Sometimes, you can eliminate the example if it doesn’t really add anything. You wrote:
- Lastly, people can enjoy sharing information with the others after reading news. They are enabled to have more topics to share with their friends or relatives. (26 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite. We understand ‘family and friends and others’ - there’s no need to drag it out.
Lastly, people can enjoy discussing the news. OR
Another point is that following the news can make you more interesting to talk to. OR
Another point is that it’s more interesting to talk to people who keep up with the news. They are more aware of local and world events and can contribute to a better debate on important issues.
You have some inappropriate or wrong vocab choices. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Lexical Resource.
- Some people predicate that it is a complete waste of time
Some people think/suggest/claim/say/believe/feel/are of the opinion that it is a complete waste of time.
NOT ‘predicate.’ Nobody says ‘predicate.’ Ever. Bury it. It’s a disappointing start to an otherwise good essay.
- They can also reach their hands and donate goods to these areas
Here’s one possible rewrite:
They can reach into their pockets and donate money or goods… OR
They can reach out and help these areas
- Obviously, people can have an incomparable conversation and enjoy their leisure time. (12 words)
Don’t overuse cohesive devices such as ‘Admittedly,’ ‘Obviously,’ ‘Moreover.’ (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion, and look for the phrase ‘overuse’). This sentence doesn’t need anything.
The word choice 'incomparable' is too strong. I don’t know if I’d ever had an incomparable moment discussing the Greek budget deficit.
People can enjoy discussing the news or gossiping about celebrities. (10 words)
By removing unnecessary words, you get more space for ideas and examples.
- Without reading the news, people never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti.
- Without reading the news, people would/could never know the devastating impact the earthquake had on Haiti. OR
- …people would/could never know how devastating the earthquake was on Haiti OR
- …people would/could never know the devastating impact of the earthquake on Haiti.
- reading news in the newspaper or watch it on TV (10 words) → reading or watching the news (5 words)
You have many good things in this essay, so I think you could relax a little. You don’t need all those ‘-ly’ words at the start of many sentences. This is a little suspect too:
- To sum up, …..X……. is inextricably linked to people’s daily lives and brings a large number of advantages to the society.
(Insert any topic at X)
You don’t need to rely on these: your writing is fine without them and your grammar is generally good. You can be a little more adventurous!
But don’t go over 300 words!
Again, thanks for the essay, and thanks to ChristyZhongs and DavideLee for their helpful and accurate comments.