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The young or the old - who is more valued in society?
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August 26, 2012
7:44 pm
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Dear friends,

I would be appreciated if you could criticize my writing as follow:

Thanks in advances,

Mzahed,

 

In some countries old age is highly valued, while in others youth is emphasized. Which viewpoint do you agree with?


Nowadays, there has been a lot of controversy among people over giving weighting factor to the role of youngsters and old people in society. Some think that the elderly must have higher value whereas others believe today, due to many reasons, young generation is more beneficial. In my opinion, both of the above-mentioned generations are required to have a successful society. The reasons behind my approach are economic, family- related, and humanitarian.

Experience of elder people and high energy of youth are the integral parts of any successful systems. These two key factors have a direct link with each other, promoting the efficiency of any family, society, and profession. It is obvious that, either youth or elderly will face real problems in case of working solely. Therefore, it is ideal to employ both of the above valuable human powers in our projects to have an optimized system.

From the family view point, presence of the elderly enables us have a rigorous family base and deal with the life’s hardships easily. It is undeniable that they have priceless lessons to give to us freely. In addition, they teach us the definition of vital words in the life such as father, mother, love, compassion, and etc.

It should be noted that it is far from humanity and moral values to lessen old people effect in society. However, we have our current condition as a result of their efforts, hence it is our duty to acknowledge their works and employ them in our lives.

In conclusion, I think that we have an access to the two valuable resources; experienced old people and powerful youngsters. Employing these factors will bring us an integrated system in all aspects of our life, as well as moral satisfaction.

August 27, 2012
3:42 pm
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writefix
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Hi Mzahed and thanks for this essay!

Your essay is very abstract. You have phrases like

  • our current condition
  • the efficiency of the family, society, and professions
  • the integral parts of any successful system
  • weighting factor
  • two valuable resources
  • these two key factors have a direct link with each other
  • an optimized system
  • employing these factors
  • a rigorous family base
  • the reasons behind my approach

Where is Mzahed? It’s clear that an engineer or an analyst is at work here! The essay is very academic, and there are no specific examples, apart from one sentence about how old people teach us the meaning of ‘father,’ ‘mother,’ and ‘love.’

I’m joking, partly, but I would prefer to see more examples here.  Where are the examples from your experience and knowledge?

The Task 2 IELTS question asks

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

You’ve done the first part, but the second part is very dry, academic, and abstract. Where are the examples from your experience?

It doesn’t have to be a story or a novel or a romantic movie, but a few examples would really communicate the main ideas more effectively than this flowchart-style.

What is a ‘rigorous family base’?  What is our ‘current condition’? How can we ‘employ them’ in our lives?  What ‘economic’ benefits do young people bring, other than to Apple and Nike?

I’d love to see this essay completely rewritten – not revised – completely rewritten, and made full of examples of old people, young people, real people and ideas and stories from your experience, not from a textbook in economics.

Tired phrases and overuse or misuse of cohesive devices

Part of the problem is the use of these phrases to introduce sentences.

  • It should be noted that
  • Therefore
  • It is obvious that  [NO comma]
  • It is undeniable that
  • However…. Hence
  • there has been a lot of controversy among people

Some of these cohesive devices are used correctly, some are not. (You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here.)  But the essay does not flow well. There are simply not enough examples. With examples and stories you can dispense with many cohesive devices because the story will tell itself and the essay will flow automatically.

Possible Ideas

  • Tell us about young people and what they do.
  • Tell us about old people you know and what they do.
  • If you were an employer, how long would you keep old people on your payroll?
  • Or would you hire only fresh graduates?
  • Do you know a company with both young and old?
  • How does your society/culture/country/religion/town/family look after its young people and its old people?
  • How far beyond the cliches of "we respect our elders" and "young people are our future" does your town/employer/family go? Are there activities for older people? Who looks after them? Can they work? Is there enough for young people to do? Does the government give them jobs?
  • What is one thing that really bugs you about old people?
  • Is an ageing population a good thing?
  • Is having a huge number of young people a good thing for a country's economy?

Again, it's worth quoting the IELTS question prompt:

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Your essay will be easier to read and easier to write if you relax and just tell a few stories!

August 28, 2012
5:03 pm
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Dear Writefix,

Thanks so much for your strategic comments.

I will rewrite it soon.

 

Regards,

mzahed,

September 3, 2012
7:01 pm
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Some people in particular those who are in favor of the traditional society believe that people should  think highly of the old for their valuable experience. However, others think that young people are of great benefit to our society.

Young men and women struggle for positions which is thought the old already have occupied them throughout the world.  They think as today most young people are equipped with fine education therefore they are entitled to take such positions. But it seems that to achieve such goals youngsters should stay at the end of a long queue.

However, old people have valuable experience of life. Indeed this cannot be easily neglected.  The elderly could be a mentor passing on some advice to the young who now run into trouble. Since old people have already been in such circumstances can guide the young.

Meanwhile showing respect to the old is something common in almost every culture.  People are likely to praise elderly apart from what they have done or been. No one wonders if you hold your grandmother or grandfather in high esteem. In fact people might think of that time they will become old, less energetic and fail to do their daily routine, but hope that the others consider their conditions and be treated with respect.

I think the old people need to be valued greatly.  The young can take advantage of many experiences the old gained in their youth.  However, young people should have the chance to show their abilities and take high positions.

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