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Increasingly, we do not know our neighbors. Why is this, and how can we solve it?
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August 11, 2012
11:26 am
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With the increasing number of people in cities, many people do not know their neighbors and the sense of community is lost. What is causing that? How can we turn it around?

 

Nowadays, more people tend to live in cities for different reasons. However, many people do not have any contact with their neighbors, and they seems to be more isolated than ever before. I think the modern lifestyles probably contribute most to this widespread problem.

 

People move into cities mainly for work today. They leave early in the morning and come back home late in the evening, so they do not even have a chance to come across each other. When they finally return home, they are too exhausted to say a word, let alone visiting their neighbors. Besides, some people move from one place to another frequently duo to their work. As a result, they leave the block or community before having an opportunity to form a deep relationship with people living around.

 

In addition, I think the dissemination of indifferent personality is a more essential reason for this. In modern time, people do not care what happens to their neighbors. Mostly, they live a sedentary lifestyle, staying by themselves, rather than go out to communicate. The soul to the sense of community is loving relationship with people, and this cannot be established without communication.

 

People are continually complaining about their sense of isolation, and the solution to the problem lies in themselves. Human race are social animals that cannot be absolutely independent of others. They need to realize the negative impact of their lifestyle, making effort to be an indispensable member of their community.

 

In order to make this happen, more infrastructure should be built near the block, such as the garden and gym where people could go for relaxation; thereby, create an opportunity to know each other. Government should fund such constructions, because they are no longer for individuals alone, but also for the harmony of the whole society. 

August 11, 2012
6:26 pm
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In general, few mistakes I have found in this essay. Here are some I guess u need improve.

 

The thesis sentence is not so clear, contribute to this phenomenon, what phenomenon? Why not add some words in this sentence.

 

I don't quite agree with the use of thereby in the last parapraph. If I were u, I ll delete the sentence from relaxation.

 

The intro, phrases and luxical resource are great. But you just use small space to take measures to cope with "this" situation, spend more area answer the first answer. In my opinion, it's a bit imbalance, I don't know whether it is fine.

 

I guess if I wrote this essay, the structure will be totally different and yours will be much better than mine.

 

Best regards.

 

David

August 12, 2012
11:50 pm
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HI Katherine

 

Thanks to this essay. I guess your writing is very good. I could find many native phrases that Id glad to learn from them.

Your introduction is also very good and reflects easily the question, just a minor slip such as " they seemS" that should change to seem.

In the first body paragraph you very nice mentioned the mail reason, back up with supportive sentences.

In the second body paragraph

In addition, I think the dissemination of indifferent personality is a more essential reason for this. In modern time, people do not care what happens to their neighbors. Mostly, they live a sedentary lifestyle, staying by themselves, rather than go out to communicate. The soul to the sense of community is loving relationship with people, and this cannot be established without communication.

I think in this paragraph you gathered some seperated sentences , to some extent left them without support. What do you mean by " dissemination of indifferent personality"? As far as I know the word "dissemination" used for information not to people.

I guess you would say that "changing the characteristics of people during these years is a main reason for less contact among people". And  do not use the pronoun at the begining of the paragraph. It to some how confuses the reader. Again Im trying to rewrite this paragraph with the main idea, setting in the first paragraph to develop gradually.

In addition, I think that the change of people's lifestyle during these years would be the other reason. In the modern world people tend to have a very solitary lifestyle, staying at home  rather than go out to communicate. This is quite opposite to a community's soul based on loving relationship. In fact, to develop such relationship people should keep contact with each other.

I wonder why you did'nt join the third body paragrap to conclusion, as you already mentioned the reasons and now you should turn to present some solutions. You could put them in conlcusion, considering the fact the word cont is 301 you even could omit it, without any remarable losing the meaning.

In order to make this happen, more infrastructure should be built near the block, such as the garden and gym where people could go for relaxation; thereby, create an opportunity to know each other. Government should fund such constructions, because they are no longer for individuals alone, but also for the harmony of the whole society.

Article & punction:

the clock==> blocks

the garden==>gardens

;==>,thereby creating an opportunity to know each other.

 

Word choice:

Government should fund constructions, because they not only benefit individuals, but also are great for people to live together in harmony.

 

Overall, you are really good in writing. A few mistakes and making some error-free senctences really let you to reach good mark. Please allocate a time to comment on the rest of essays.

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