Hi Helloworld and thanks for this essay!
Your essay is 297 words long, which is OK, and has an average of 18.5 words per sentence, which is a little high. Try adding some short sentences to increase readability and for more impact and variety.
I agree with Tommy and ChrisLuke that your essay has a good clear structure and good ideas. I would add more ideas however, particularly in the third paragraph. I also agree with ChrisLuke that the first paragraph is ‘top-heavy.’ It’s 87 words long. In the limited time in IELTS, try to get to the point as quickly as you can, and try to keep introductions short - around 50-60 words or so.
It is true that human beings have suffered from numerous wars through the stone age to modern society, and it is a fact that most of the leaders of those conflicts were male. Therefore, some people hold the opinion that it is the male leaders that led us to violence and wars. They also propose that our society should be governed by females in order to be more peaceful. However, in my opinion, there is no definite link between the historical conflicts and the gender of leaders. (87 words)
There’s nothing wrong with the vocabulary, ideas, or linking. I really like the parallels in the opening sentence (‘It is true that,’ and ‘It is a fact that’).
Let me see if I can write a shorter version:
It is true that humans have suffered from wars since the Stone Age, and it is a fact that most of the leaders of those conflicts were male. Some people claim, therefore, that men lead us into violence, and that a society governed by women would be more peaceful. However, in my opinion, there is no definite link between conflict and the gender of leaders.
Not much change. It’s down to 65 words. I’ve removed a formal phrase ('hold the opinion that'), and I’ve changed one tense - ‘lead’ instead of ‘led.’ I could make it shorter, but then I would be making too many changes to your style of writing.
Here’s a completely different version
Most wars throughout history have been started by men. Does this mean that a society governed by women would be more peaceful? I am not so sure. In my opinion, there is no clear link between conflict and the gender of leaders. (42 words)
This isn’t better or worse than your paragraph - it’s just shorter. But ChrisLuke is right - if an introduction looks longer than a body paragraph, IELTS examiners are going to go back and read both parts again with a more critical eye, because normally they would expect the opposite - a short intro and longer body paragraphs. Try to give them what they expect!
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
In ancient times, conflicts between two men would usually be solved by fighting, which was kind of cruel. →In ancient times, conflicts between two men would usually be solved by fighting, which was kind of cruel.
‘Kind of’ is a lazy expression we use in speaking. Avoid it in writing. It’s, like, totally unnecessary. In the sentence above, you can just leave out the entire phrase.
- men are easy to get angry →men get angry easily OR it’s easy to make men angry
In the second paragraph, I would try to separate the ideas more clearly. You topic sentence was
To begin with, I admit that men's human nature tends to be more aggressive.
This is followed by two-and-a-half ideas, or maybe three:
- Men fought in the past
- Men fight today
- Male politicians generally choose violence
I think another idea or a good example might add to the paragraph
Paragraph Three has two ideas
- Wars are not decided by individuals but by governments or parliaments
- Women have been cruel
The last idea is crying for an example! And by repeating ‘cruel’ you are missing an opportunity to show your vocab. You also say that they were cruel to their people, which is true but a little different from war against another country. I think what happened was that you avoided giving an example of a female leader deliberately just to be safe!
And I will do the same.
A big thanks to Tommy and ChrisLuke - good suggestions. Tommy played around with your sentence
However, in my opinion, there is no definite link between the historical conflicts and the gender of leaders
...and you can see in my suggestion for a rewrite of the intro that I did too, but in the end I kept 'the' before the word gender. Alternatives might be:
- ...between gender and leadership OR
- ...between the number of wars and the leader's gender OR
- ...between a leader's gender and his or her propensity for war OR
- ...between leaders' gender and their desire for war
Overall, it’s a very good essay and very easy to read. Just keep intros short and try to have more ideas before you begin. Three in each body paragraph is a magic number to aim for. Well done.