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TOEFL Topic: Would you support building a large shopping center in your neighborhood?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
August 22, 2012
1:04 am
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It has been recently reported by the local newspaper that a large shopping center is going to be built in our neighborhood. However, some people claim that a large shopping mall would bring many problems to neighborhood, since they prefer to live in a peaceful environment. While others, like me, fully support this idea because of the following reasons.

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Firstly, having a shopping center near my residential area will save time and petrol of residents. At present, there is not even a single shopping centre near our locality because of which we have to drive for 30 minutes even for buying day to day items. Further, due to the construction of shopping center, we can shop any time and do not have to prepare a list of items required on monthly basis. Also, it will increase the competition for other grocery stores and in order to win customers they have to lower the price and at the same time offer better services. As a result, customer will certainly be the winner in this ‘pricing war’. Therefore, constructing shopping center near our locality will be valuable for residents as ensure convenient and comfortable shopping.

Secondly, as per the plan a large shopping center will be constructed which have all the facilities from shopping to eating points and recreational activities. As a result of which  residents do not have to travel for 30 minutes  to eat out or take kids for recreational activities like playing snookers, billiard and other such games. 

Finally, having a shopping mall in our locality will support students who are having part time jobs as shopping mall will require the staff on a large scale. Presently, these students are working at places which are quite far from our area so having a shopping center in our neighborhood will save their time and money spent in commuting to their work places. Additionally, it will provide place to hang out and do window shopping for youth. Therefore to summarize the above points, I support the idea of having a large shopping center in my neighborhood as it will make our life easies and better. 

August 22, 2012
1:06 am
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please comment on my essay. thank you 🙂

August 22, 2012
2:52 am
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Hi Crack of TOEFL

 

Honestly, I am not quite familair with TOEFL.  I guess TOEFL does not have acurate assessment of writing as IELTS does have.

And You know that question in IELTS is very important. That the reason  whyI cannot leave much more comments on your essay. Just one thinh I felt in your essay is "oversusing of linking words"( Further, presently, additionally, as a result,... ).. And you deal with many ideas in one paragraph without attention to main idea that you set in the first paragraph. This really confuses the reader and to some makes him/her tired. However, in compare  with the last essay you  did send it is much better   in terms of acuracy and grammar. It   shows you really got improved  in this case.

 

August 22, 2012
12:30 pm
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Hi Brian,

See I am putting my essay on this blog so that I can get it assessed by you people who are good at writing. I know format is different but certain rules will remain same - like grammar, clarity of thoughts, structure. Thank you for your comments and I'll continue to work on my structure and grammar.

 

Regards,

Cracktoefl

August 22, 2012
4:48 pm
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Hi CrackTOEFL and Brian

Great comment Brian about linking words -  I hadn't noticed.

Almost every sentence in the essay starts with an introductory word or phrase like 'presently,' 'as a result,' 'further,' 'secondly,' 'also' etc.

A few of these is good, but too many is bad. In IELTS it's called 'overuse of cohesive devices.'

It gets very repetitive and noticeable when you read the essay out loud!

CrackTOEFL, one area you really really really need to look at is articles (a, an, the) and plurals. It's easy to fix. Dig out any grammar book and work through the chapter, or use Google to search for a few good quizzes on articles and grammar. You have at least seven article errors

Eliminate the phrase 'as per' from your toolbox.

Watch out for cause and effect.  These sentences are incorrect:

  • constructing shopping center near our locality will be valuable for residents as ensure convenient and comfortable shopping. 

constructing a shopping center near our locality will be valuable for residents as it will ensure convenient and comfortable shopping.

  •  there is not even a single shopping centre near our locality because of which we have to drive for 30 minutes even for buying day to day items.

There are no shopping centers near us and as a result (of this) we have to drive 30 minutes for our daily groceries.

There are no shopping centers near us. As as a result, we have to drive 30 minutes for our daily groceries.

There are no shopping centers near us, so we have to drive 30 minutes everyday for groceries.

  • On a monthly basis  → monthly
     
  • It will provide place to hang out and do window shopping for youth. → It will provide a place to hang out and for young people to go window shopping.

Fragment

The second sentence here is a fragment.

  • Secondly, as per the plan a large shopping center will be constructed which have all the facilities from shopping to eating points and recreational activities. As a result of which  residents do not have to travel for 30 minutes  to eat out or take kids for recreational activities like playing snookers, billiard and other such games. 

Here’s one possible rewrite. We need to remove ‘a’ from shopping center since the reference is already known. We need to remove ‘as per’ which is meaningless and archaic. We need to change the fragment into a sentence.  We need to make the tense future and consistent. We need to remove the repetition of “recreational activities.” We need to remove the repetition of 30 minutes.

And we need to teach our ‘kids’ some new games: Shame on you for introducing them to the evils of both snooker AND billiards! At four years of age, too…

Secondly, as the shopping center promises to have shopping, eating, and recreational facilities, we will be able to enjoy meals out and family trips.

Quotes

Either don’t use quotes, or don’t use the word if it’s so embarrassing or unusual.

  • As a result, customer will certainly be the winner in this ‘pricing war’. → As a result, the customer will certainly be the winner in this pricing war.

Fragment

This is not a sentence. It needs to be joined to the previous sentence:

While others, like me, fully support this idea because of the following reasons.

Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

Verb Tense

Watch for overuse of the Present Continuous:

  • students who are having part time jobs → students who have part-time jobs OR   students with part time jobs

CrackTOEFL, as I suggested in your other essay -  be careful not to write as you speak. Eliminate unnecessary words. Examine every phrase to see how it can be made shorter, more effective and more elegant.

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