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Young women crime has become more and more prevalent in recent years.
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November 19, 2011
2:58 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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Young women crime has become more  and more prevalent in recent years. Causes, effects and solutions?

According to recent statistics, the number of female offender now is increasing at alarming rate. Since this puzzling issue poses a risk to the whole society, its root causes as well as effects need to be interpreted and possible solutions should be offered.

 

First and foremost, this phenomenon derives from anomie. That is to say, in today’s world, traditional moral standards which exert on female are lifted gradually in the name of gender equality, so girls enjoy a chance of self-expression. However, ironically, many of them are willing to shatter their girl next door image and pursue a cool image instead by rebellious act. Their doomsday scenarios end up with participating in criminal gangs to earn respect and street credibility, and then they, in all probability, are lured to perpetrate delinquencies namely drug trafficking, crime of passion, or even murder.

Young women crime wave would take its toll on the society as a whole and their next generation in particular. In other words, like any type of crime, female offenders not only put society security on jeopardy but also pave the way for a waste of social source. Moreover, it is a controversial question about what we can expect from mothers who involved antisocial behaviors in the way they nurture their children. For example, aggressive mothers having violent abuse history are very likely to exhale their anger and frustration on their children by aggravated assault. This, in its turn, may breed a generation of sociopaths who would embark on criminal path too.

What can redeem this worrying problem may lie in joint effort of families, schools, and the Government. To be specific, imposing strict supervision and instilling self-confidence and an interest in social environment from supportive and loving parents could diminish the probability of criminal involvement.  In addition, rising education budgets at all levels and tightening discipline in school also conduce to the lowering crime rate.

To sum up, there is the number of explanations and consequences related to this thorny issue. If these above mentioned measures are properly adopted, they are bound to be of desired effect.

 

P/S: I don't know where I can post cause-effect essays, so I post this essay here. Hope that someone will help me check it ^_^

November 19, 2011
3:41 pm
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writefix
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Hi Linh and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay shows that you are not afraid to pick a difficult topic!

Don't worry about cause/effect  - people worry too much about whether essays are compare/contrast, cause/effect or opinion. As far as I can see the differences between these types are minimal, and writers can use all these types of structure and vocabulary in IELTS opinion essays.

 

I hope you don't mind if I say that  your introduction and conclusion are the weakest parts of your essay. You have some very interesting ideas and vocabulary in the middle, but hundreds of thousands of people are going to have the same introduction and conclusion as you.

It seems sometimes that no matter what topic the IELTS examiners come up with, it is always a 'contentious issue', a 'heated debate,' 'thorny problem,' a 'controversial topic.' or a worrying trend. And, amazingly, there is always a 'recent survey' to support the argument, or else 'scientists have shown' something to be true... 🙂

Be especially careful of chunks of text which could go into any essay, for example in your last paragraph:

To sum up, there is the number of explanations and consequences related to this thorny issue. If these above mentioned measures are properly adopted, they are bound to be of desired effect.

Try to make these specific to the topic, and try to keep your writing going forward.

To sum up, tougher parenting, increased government spending on schools, and better discipline in schools could all help reduce crime among women. If women play a central role in family lie, we need to tackle the problem of female crime at the source in order to secure a safer future for our children.    

I'm not going to discuss your examples in Paragraphs 2-4 right now - perhaps someone else would like to comment on these? -  but perhaps one suggestion might be not to over-dramatize: yes, perhaps more women are being arrested for stealing, but does this lead to surge in female serial killers or murderers? What is meant by female crime? Failing to pay car insurance, perhaps, or cheating on the weighing scales in their grocery stores?  

 

As you can see, I'm more interested in your ideas than concerned about your English! 

November 19, 2011
4:10 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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^_^ thanks for your comment. Actually, English is my second language. It's so difficult to write an essay in 40 minutes :). When I studied IELTS in English centers, teachers taught me a form of introduction and conclusion for all essay. That's why these parts are weakest part in my essay ^_^

Hopefully, members will give me some suggestion to improve my English and writing skills. But if none do it, will you hep me? Please!!!

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