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Young women crime (New IELTS topic)
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
May 10, 2012
4:32 pm
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Some reports have discovered the incidence of violence for young women is increasing. Give possible reasons and recommendations to the situation.

In present-day age, criminal is one of the biggest problems in society, especially the young women crime. Growing young women's crime rate can be analyzed in different ways, and I believe that there are several recommendations to cope with young women crime.

Nowadays, people always have existed a prejudiced attitude towards women in status, workplace and even in a developed areas. For example, young women have been abused by a deep-rooted sexual discrimination and unfair competition. Unlimited abusing young women is not only aggravates the crime problems, but also endanger social balance. These committing crime such as thieves, murders, lawless behavior in women all stem from people treat badly to young women ;keep oppressing and pushing them to astray. Additionally, take salaries for example, sexes and socioeconomic status both are the foremost symbols in society. Because of this, young women who are low socioeconomic status are paid less than men in work. As a result, it forces females to commit crime as a outlet and hence rapidly drives up the crime rate.

It is a priority that we should correct people's mind and ingrained sexual discrimination to women. Governments need to promote the awareness of egalitarianism from policies. Not only people should they realize how grave it is, but also society should acknowledge women's indispensable role in communities. Furthermore, the heads of government can collaborate with educational institution to provide psychological course to help women to adjust their mood, and to adapt effective measures to remove prejudice against women.

As can be seen from above, enhancing our life's quality and bettering our sex's atmosphere need to keep the balance between women and men. Not only are males essential, but females are a crucial role in communities.

May 11, 2012
6:52 pm
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Hello Nick,

 

Your question is not clear. Could you please post it a bit clearly?

 

Radha Muralidhar.

May 12, 2012
10:27 am
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writefix
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Hi Radha

Yes, I see why it's confusing. Here are two topics

  1. Violence against women is a serious problem in some countries. Why is this and what can be done about it?
  2. The number of crimes committed by young women is increasing. Give some reasons and solutions for this problem. 
Nick -  which one is closer to your topic?  You start with Topic #2 above but then have some very good ideas for Topic #1. Let us know and we will get back to you.  Maybe you might need to rewrite your essay above to match one of the two topics more exactly.
May 12, 2012
4:06 pm
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Hi. Mr writefix
Actually,the topic I wrote is exactly the ielts exam gave me!
However,I think the question is asking that why the crime rate is increasing and give some solutions to slove!its similar to your topic#2
!

May 13, 2012
8:23 am
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writefix
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Thanks Nick. It's hard to remember the exact working of the question - a small change could change the meaning completely. Compare 'violence against women' with 'violence among women' or 'violence by women,' and so on.

Anyway tomorrow I hope to reply to your essay, basing it on the second question: 

The number of crimes committed by young women is increasing. Give some reasons and solutions for this problem.

Talk to you then.

May 13, 2012
12:04 pm
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hi 

I know what you meant!!

 

thanks for helping all this !

May 14, 2012
8:29 am
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I think, if for the topic two, it is hard for me to figure out some reasons for why women crime is increasing. At this moment, I just cant work out some suitable reasons. This topic is not common and rarely talked about by people.

May 14, 2012
10:09 am
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The number of crimes committed by young women is increasing. Give some reasons and solutions for this problem.

Women have been often been pictured as the victims of violence in the past. However, increasingly the statistics show young woman as the offenders in violent crimes like beatings and armed robberies. To reverse this alarming trend we have to understand its causes and come up with adequate measures.

Several personal and socio-economic factors are blamed for the rise of violent crimes committed by young females. There is overall a more violent climate among youth and some groups are known for their aggressive behaviour. Girls and women belonging to such  groups are at greater risk of committing crimes. Also, personal frustration with one’s economic situation and perspective can be a motive for violence. Young women may become violent out of envy and the feeling they lack the power to control their lives. For example, reports of young women who rob others of luxury articles they can not afford, like mobile phones, are not uncommon. Lastly, many of these women have not learned proper social behaviour. They may have grown up surrounded by violence and have not experienced constructive ways of solving conflicts and reaching goals in a proper way.

As there are many different causes reducing violent crimes committed by young women can require a variety of measures. It is obvious that offering girls an economic perspective through education and employment can help in some cases. For this to be successful in the long term woman have to leave violent behaviour behind. They likely need some training how to interact with people in a non-violent way. Mentors, that have left a criminal past behind can help in the process. They can be role models as they have already successfully changed their lives. Also, staying away from violent friends and groups can help  young offenders starting a better life.

In conclusion, with multiple potential causes it remains challenging to help individual women to leave violence behind. Resozialising  them with the help of training, mentors and educational offers appear the most promising to me.

May 16, 2012
8:00 am
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Hi Nick, Katiss, Alison, Radha

Here are a few comments on Nick's essay.  I will have a look at Katiss' essay today.  

Hi Nick 

Thanks for this essay. You have some great ideas in the essay and some very ambitious sentences. I know we discussed it earlier above, but I still think there is an overlap between the two questions  -  crimes committed by women and crimes or violence against women. Your essay moves between the two and while you have some very good ideas and sentences, it’s a little confusing for the reader.

Part of the problem is the phrase ‘young women crime’ - does this mean ‘crimes by young women,’  or does it mean crimes ‘against women’? 

If we are discussing crimes against women, we will look at topics such as rape, domestic violence, the role of women in society, protection under the law and courts, the attitude of men, policing, shelters, and why men feel entitled to beat or mistreat women.

If we are going to discuss crimes committed by young women we would probably discuss juvenile delinquency or crimes committed by youth in general, gangs, schools, unemployment, poverty, policing, female prisons, the relationship between crime in general and crimes carried out by women, the types of crimes that young women would commit, and so on.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • In present-day age → Today  OR At present
  • criminal is one of the biggest problems in society → crime is one of the biggest problems
  • young women crime → crime committed by wormen  OR crimes carried by women or the rise in the female crime rate
  • Nowadays, people always have existed a prejudiced attitude towards women → Society has always had a prejudiced attitude against women  OR People have always had a prejudiced attitude against women
  • Governments need to promote the awareness of egalitarianism from policies → Governments need to promote the awareness of egalitarianism [in their policies]
  • Not only are males essential, but females are a crucial role in communities. → (I would rewrite this completely: We need a better balance and more fulfilling roles for men and women in our society

Agreement

  • Unlimited abusing young women is not only aggravates the crime problems, but also endanger social balance. → The widespread abuse of young women not only aggravates the crime problems, but also endangers social balance.

Generalizations

Be careful with generalizations. I might agree with you that crime is one of the biggest problems, but is crime by young women one of the biggest problems in society?  Are we likely to be attacked or have our houses broken into by gangs of violent teenage girls?  In the other hand,  in some countries such as South Africa, there is indeed a serious problem with violence against women.

Here’s another:

As a result, [unequal pay or discrimination at work] forces females to commit crime as a outlet and hence rapidly drives up the crime rate.

I think women are paid less than men in almost every country in the world, but is crime going up rapidly as a result?

Here’s another

Heads of government can collaborate with educational institution to provide psychological course to help women to adjust their mood.

The next time my sister is in a grumpy mood, I will remind her to attend this course  - most mornings before her coffee, in fact. Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Robert Mugabe will enjoy meeting her then.

Simplify

You wrote:

These committing crime such as thieves, murders, lawless behavior in women all stem from people treat badly to young women ;keep oppressing and pushing them to astray.

Very complicated idea! Could be simplified as

Most crimes committed by women stem from society’s oppression and treatment of women.

 Generic Sentence: Specify!

Growing young women's crime rate can be analyzed in different ways, and I believe that there are several recommendations to cope with young women crime.

This sentence could be used in a million essays.  

X can be analyzed in different ways, and there are several recommendations to cope with X

Make every sentence specific to the essay

The number of crimes carried out by young women is increasing for several reasons, including changes in the structure of the family, the move to the cities, and unemployment.  In my essay, I will suggest three possible solutions [ including X, Y and Z].

Variety of structures: Not only But Also

Did you notice that you used ‘not only… but also’ three times in your essay? It’s very complicated and well done for using it, but once is enough in any essay!

Make sure you keep it parallel – you need two verbs OR two adjectives after the two parts. See http://gtotd.blogspot.com/2007/06/not-only-but-also.html and http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/not-only-but-also.aspx

Overall, you are trying very hard to deal with a difficult topic. Brave!

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