Hi Nick, Katiss, Alison, Radha
Here are a few comments on Nick's essay. I will have a look at Katiss' essay today.
Thanks for this essay. You have some great ideas in the essay and some very ambitious sentences. I know we discussed it earlier above, but I still think there is an overlap between the two questions - crimes committed by women and crimes or violence against women. Your essay moves between the two and while you have some very good ideas and sentences, it’s a little confusing for the reader.
Part of the problem is the phrase ‘young women crime’ - does this mean ‘crimes by young women,’ or does it mean crimes ‘against women’?
If we are discussing crimes against women, we will look at topics such as rape, domestic violence, the role of women in society, protection under the law and courts, the attitude of men, policing, shelters, and why men feel entitled to beat or mistreat women.
If we are going to discuss crimes committed by young women we would probably discuss juvenile delinquency or crimes committed by youth in general, gangs, schools, unemployment, poverty, policing, female prisons, the relationship between crime in general and crimes carried out by women, the types of crimes that young women would commit, and so on.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- In present-day age → Today OR At present
- criminal is one of the biggest problems in society → crime is one of the biggest problems
- young women crime → crime committed by wormen OR crimes carried by women or the rise in the female crime rate
- Nowadays, people always have existed a prejudiced attitude towards women → Society has always had a prejudiced attitude against women OR People have always had a prejudiced attitude against women
- Governments need to promote the awareness of egalitarianism from policies → Governments need to promote the awareness of egalitarianism [in their policies]
- Not only are males essential, but females are a crucial role in communities. → (I would rewrite this completely: We need a better balance and more fulfilling roles for men and women in our society
- Unlimited abusing young women is not only aggravates the crime problems, but also endanger social balance. → The widespread abuse of young women not only aggravates the crime problems, but also endangers social balance.
Be careful with generalizations. I might agree with you that crime is one of the biggest problems, but is crime by young women one of the biggest problems in society? Are we likely to be attacked or have our houses broken into by gangs of violent teenage girls? In the other hand, in some countries such as South Africa, there is indeed a serious problem with violence against women.
As a result, [unequal pay or discrimination at work] forces females to commit crime as a outlet and hence rapidly drives up the crime rate.
I think women are paid less than men in almost every country in the world, but is crime going up rapidly as a result?
Heads of government can collaborate with educational institution to provide psychological course to help women to adjust their mood.
The next time my sister is in a grumpy mood, I will remind her to attend this course - most mornings before her coffee, in fact. Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Robert Mugabe will enjoy meeting her then.
These committing crime such as thieves, murders, lawless behavior in women all stem from people treat badly to young women ;keep oppressing and pushing them to astray.
Very complicated idea! Could be simplified as
Most crimes committed by women stem from society’s oppression and treatment of women.
Generic Sentence: Specify!
Growing young women's crime rate can be analyzed in different ways, and I believe that there are several recommendations to cope with young women crime.
This sentence could be used in a million essays.
X can be analyzed in different ways, and there are several recommendations to cope with X
Make every sentence specific to the essay
The number of crimes carried out by young women is increasing for several reasons, including changes in the structure of the family, the move to the cities, and unemployment. In my essay, I will suggest three possible solutions [ including X, Y and Z].
Variety of structures: Not only But Also
Did you notice that you used ‘not only… but also’ three times in your essay? It’s very complicated and well done for using it, but once is enough in any essay!
Make sure you keep it parallel – you need two verbs OR two adjectives after the two parts. See http://gtotd.blogspot.com/2007/06/not-only-but-also.html and http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/not-only-but-also.aspx
Overall, you are trying very hard to deal with a difficult topic. Brave!