OK, I'm now completely out of my depth here. I don't do literature. I read it, but don't analyze it.
I suggest you wander on over to the very nice people in http://www.essayforum.com and post in their term paper or essay section. It's designed mainly for native speakers or people already in college. You will get feedback from other students who will have read the same paper or who have been asked similar questions. It's an amazing website with moderators who work 48 hours a day (and they have a great IELTS section too, although I probably shouldn't mention that here).
Having said that...
I see what you mean by flow in Paragraph 2. For me there are just too many characters. In one short paragraph, you have given us Frank, Marie, David, Wesley, Dr Hayden, Uncle Frank, and Watson. In addition, we have the personae of the author and the reader, and the device of point of view. Plus we have your voice, as one reader - a voice that may be totally different to mine or someone else's. That is just waaaaaaaaaaay too many people for me to absorb in one paragraph. It's like one of those Russian novels where you have to read the entire genealogy first and three different names for each character BEFORE you read the story.
I'd suggest (your teacher will probably run screaming out of the room) splitting this paragraph up into several shorter paragraphs, each focusing on one character or one use of point of view. Be more academic: "Watson uses...", "Watson introduces...", "In portraying Marie as X, Watson forces us to...",
Be careful with your voice. In Paragraph 1 there is no Yoshirama - there is no "I", no "in my opinion", no "I felt", etc. Suddenly she pops up all over the place in Paragraph 2, AND she brings a friend or two: "We" appears. It's quite a party.
So I'm going to hand you over the experts in essayforum.com, but I would just recommend the old guidelines of having one central idea for each paragraph (perhaps Marie, perhaps Frank, perhaps Watson's use of X or Y) and of having shorter paragraphs.