This is not entirely serious...
Signs that an IELTS candidate will probably NOT get Band 9...
- Little hearts over every letter 'i' in the essay.
- The words 'Thank you soooooooo much!' at the end of an essay. (If you can add a heart or a smiley face, go for it.)
- Anything 'double-edged' in the essay - coins, swords - anything.
- Using the words 'bad things' to describe, mmmmm, bad things.
- A message to the examiner at the bottom of the essay saying "I really needing Band 8 - this is my fifteenth time for to do this exam."
- More than one exclamation mark in the essay!!!
- The adjectives 'controversial,' 'heated', or 'intense' anywhere near the word 'debate.'
- Complicated instructions to the examiner to continue reading on page 6.
- The same as Number 8, but with arrows. (More marks if you do Task 1 where Task 2 should be, or put the introduction on page 4)
- A dramatic stop half-way through the last word to show that the exam room staff ripped the paper from your bony fingers just as you were about to complete a masterpiece.
- A paper that is exactly 240 words long so that the examiner has to count it. Twice.
- Moving each line in a little so that by the end of the page there are only four words on a line.
- Just the slightest, most delicate mention of your uncle, the Deputy Minister of Finance, in paragraph three.
- Seeing how few full stops you can use. Five is good, three is better.
- Dismissive remarks about old people (ie. people over 40, who ideally should all go home and die quietly. Just like IELTS examiners, in fact).
- 300 tearful, reverent words about why you love President X, Sheikh Y or Queen Z.
- Inspirational verbatim quotes from your uncle or high school friend (who changed your life): "Please! Not ever give up!" or "The apple is doctor for the people." (Best in essays about completely unrelated topics, like female circumcision or gay marriage.)
- Saying "I am agree with the statement that do you think rich countries should help poor countries."
- Saying "I am not agree for this statement."
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