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Are women are better parents than men?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
December 23, 2011
12:40 am
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December 13, 2011
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Hi, This is the second topic I write about. Maybe it's better than the first time 🙂

Hope you guys fix it for me. THanks
           

 

Some people think that women's role are more important than men's role. But in my opinion, both of them are very important because women are the person that bear and take care children. Besides that, men are the person that teach children how to live and become a good person.

 

            First of all is the importance role of mother. To start with, mother have to spend a long time to pregnant the children. It might be the hardest time in women's lives because with a baby in the stomach, mother can not almost going anywhere or doing anything. They just can stay at home, watching some boring films or reading some boring books. And sometimes they really want to hang out with their friends to talk about their family, their husbands even their babies. But deep down inside, they feel very happy to become a mother. Furthermore, when the children are born, women have to take care of them. What do the children want to eat or to drink. And when they get sick, what the mother has to do even when they go to kindergarten, mother is still beside them. 

 

            The second reason why men are also have an importance role for their kids is they are person who will teach them everything in life. Firstly, men are always strict and might have a wide looking about life. Men will give his sons or his daughters some advices for life. Secondly, men's roles are very important to lead their children become good guys. Children sometimes need a strong prop and believe. In addition, they need a good guide to show them up good things and bad things.

 

            In conclusion, both of men and women can also be good parents because women will take care children while men will teach them how to live and become good people. Their role are very important for development of children. 

January 4, 2012
2:36 pm
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Hi Bone and welcome back!

 

A couple of small changes to your intro paragraph:

In my opinion, both of them are very important because women are the person that bear and take care children. Besides that, men are the person that teach children how to live and become a good person.

I would change the word "besides" into "while" and join up the two sentences, fix some agreement errors ("bear," "teach"), and remove some uncessary words:

In my opinion, both of them are very important because women bear and take care of children, while men teach children how to live and become good people.

Word Forms

Be careful with your word forms. Get a dictionary or use one online which gives examples of usage -  don't just accept the first definition from a simplified dictionary!

First of all is the importance important role of the mother. To start with, the mother have has to spend a long time to pregnant the children. pregnant

First of all is the unique role of the mother. To start with, the mother spends a long time pregnant with her children.

 

Firstly, men are always strict and might have a wide looking about life

Men have a wider outlook on life.

 

Men will give his sons or his daughters some advices advice for life.  (The word "advice," like the words information, homework, research and equipment, is non-count – it doesn't have a plural)

 

Secondly, men's roles are very important to lead their children become good guyspeople/adults. (The word 'guys' is too informal for most essays in IELTS).

 

In addition, they need a good guide to show them up good things and bad things. (The word 'things' is informal and it's also a little lazy: show the IELTS examiner that you have a big vocabulary!)

In addition, children need a guide to help them learn right from wrong and to teach them to make wise choices.

 

Fragments

Watch out for fragments and run-on sentences:

What do the children want to eat or to drink. And when they get sick, what the mother has to do even when they go to kindergarten, mother is still beside them.

This might change to:

Mothers are constantly aware of their children's needs. They know when they are hungry, thirsty, or sick. They are the first to wake up at night when the children cry. They are there when they take their first steps. They accompany them to kindergarten.

Use only one idea per sentence!

Make sure you develop your ideas fully. You need to do this to get past Band 5 in IELTS. For example, your sentence

Firstly, men are always strict and might have a wide looking about life.

…has TWO ideas in just 13 words. You should explain fully what you mean by 'strict' and then explain fully what you mean by 'a wider outlook on life.'

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