Hello Dang and welcome to Writefix! Thanks for the challenge and invitation to the other forum members!
What I liked about the essay was the unusual way that you found a difference between sport and concerts – it wasn't the standard boring answer to the question.
Your comments on your own essay are absolutely correct – great editing.
The sentence about a camera I might change to something like:
In addition, television provides us with the best views because of the many cameras and expert editing
On the other hand, attending live performances has theirits particular advantages. OR
Live performances have their particular advantages.
There is one sentence which is still a little unclear to me:
It is no more delightful to see my best-loved singer performs my lovely song.
I think from the sentence's location in the essay that you probably meant something like this:
It was really delightful to see my best-loved singer perform my favourite song live.
Here's another that I'm not very satisfied with:
Firstly, audiences are surrounded by liveliness and realities.
I know what you mean, but I want to change it. I'm not sure how. It's possibly because there are two ideas in one sentence. Maybe this?
Firstly, the atmosphere at a live concert is completely different from when you watch a recording on television or DVD. You are surrounded by other excited fans and the feelings are heightened by being shared. Secondly, the entire experience is more real. It's not just a second-hand image on a screen: In the stadium or concert hall you can feel the singer or musician react to the crowd, and the crowd react in turn.
Introduction: Stock phrases – make them specific to the essay topic.
This is a complex issue and my opinion is to support for all of them. In this essay I will outline some arguments to clarify my point of view.
Some IELTS writers use stock phrases like these in every single essay, regardless of topic. Try to bring the main terms and related vocabulary from the topic into these sentences. Perhaps like this:
For me, both live and recorded events can be very enjoyable. In this essay, I will explain why I can be found both on my sofa and in the stadium.
Notice I left out the "This is a complex issue." It's really amazing how many issues in IELTS essays are "contentious," "complex," "divisive," "a matter of hot debate" (and its cousin "hotly-debated"), "controversial" or "double-edged." These words are usually followed by "recently" or "in recent years." In fact, many IELTS topics are really not that fascinating, and only good examples, like those in your essay, make them more interesting.
Thanks for your contribution, and glad you liked Westlife!