Hi Katiss and thanks for another excellent essay.
This essay is 399 words with an average sentence length of just over 22 words per sentence (It's a good idea to copy and paste essays into one of the two links given at the top of this page: http://www.read-able.com/ and http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp).
- A child’s focus should undoubtly be on it‘s education = A child’s focus should undoubtedly be on its education. (Possessive - his /her/ its - no apostrophe!)
But I would rewrite the sentence to avoid using "it" - it's just my preference!
Children should focus on their education. OR Parents should focus on their children's education.
On one hand, taking a job can influence a child‘s health, development and academic performance negatively.==>
On the one hand...
Children working may find less time for their homework and social activities and may feel overcharged.
I might use 'over-burdened' or 'stressed or 'over-loaded'.
Commas in, commas out:
- Moreover, teenagers, who are working may find work life more appealing than attending school and drop out of school altogether. ==> No comma! Don't separate the verb from its subject!
- Children may be proud of their work and accompanying responsibilities boosting their self esteem and sense of independence from their parents.
I would add a comma here after 'responsibilities' to make the sentence easier to read:
Children may be proud of their work and accompanying responsibilities, boosting their self esteem and sense of independence from their parents. OR
Working and being responsible can boost children's self esteem and increase their independence.
I love this sentence:
Finally, the kind of jobs usually held by children are low paid, unskilled jobs that do not provide much of a learning experience.
Note: 'low paid' here needs a hyphen because the compound adjective comes before the noun - a low-paid job, a five-star hotel, a highly-educated person, but "She is highly educated," "The hotel has five stars."
Short sentences are easier to read! I would definitely shorten or break up this monster sentence just to keep it more parallel
On the other hand, gaining some practical experience in a casual or summer job can improve a child’s self esteem, sense of responsibility, motivation to study and may help them to discover their interest and talents outside the school‘s curriculum. (41 words!)
On the other hand, gaining some practical experience in a casual or summer job can improve a child’s self esteem, sense of responsibility, and motivation to study. It may also help them to discover interests and talents outside the school‘s curriculum. (Average sentence length: 21 words)
This sentence is long and I had to go back and read it two or three times:
Most physical exhausting work, working at night hours or in dangerous place pose a threat to children’s and teenager’s health and these are forbidden by law in most countries.
I think it might be easier if the sentence were shortened and made slightly more parallel:
In most countries, it's forbidden for children to do physically exhausting jobs or to work at night or in dangerous places. OR
Working in physically demanding jobs, in dangerous places, and at night is forbidden for children in most countries.
Overall, great ideas fully developed: just be careful to have some shorter sentences.