Hi Tashappleaddict and welcome to Writefix!

You’ve chosen to disagree with this topic, and your essay has a very clear opinion.

Your essay also has a very simple layout: your thesis sentence in the intro tells us that you are going to say why boxing and motor racing should be banned and that’s what you do in Paragraphs Two and Three.

You have just under 300 words, and your average sentence length is under 15.

So far, so good!

The things I would change in your essay  are

1. having only two sports,
2. having too much detail in Paragraph 3 -  it could really be much shorter, and
3. not relating these sports together a little more

If you are going to argue 100% for or against something, I think it’s better to use a 35553 layout. Here you use a 3773 layout, with a body paragraph about boxing and another body paragraph about motor racing.

I think it would be better to have at least 3 sports –in other words, three paragraphs in the body instead of two. Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.  

However, even better than more paragraphs about sports, it would be better to have each paragraph about a reason why extreme sports should be banned. There are many reasons: the danger to the competitors, the effect on children, the possible ‘barbarity’ of the sport (boxing, bullfighting, etc), the commercialism behind the sport, or our base desire for violence, etc. You could then mention many sports, rather than just two.

What is the relationship between boxing and Moto GP? Why did you pick these two? You have given good examples of each, but it might be better to suggest the relationship between these sports. Why are they so popular? What is in us that we want to see? Why do so many people want to compete? In your conclusion, you do answer this partly by saying that these sports have many victims, but it’s not developed.

What do you think?

I will try to look at specific grammar and other points later, or perhaps someone else can. I just wanted to see what you think about alternative layouts and organization.