Hi CrackTOEFL and thanks for this essay.
A big thanks to Brian_mccclaine for his rewrite. He boiled your essay down from 340 words to 240 - what do you think? You definitely need to shorten a lot of your sentences, and avoid empty words and phrases. Have a look here for some example, and Google weasel words, or empty phrases
CrackTOEFL your essay is quite clear. It gives one side and has enough examples. However, I found the endless long sentences tiring to read, and I had to work hard to figure out what each paragraph is about.
I am not sure whether in TOEFL you should agree or disagree only, or whether you should give both sides. From looking at the TOEFL writing topics here, it seems that it’s fine to only agree or only disagree.
- I disagree with this statement that people should be given job guarantee for the life time.
Try to avoid this structure. Drop the phrase “statement that.” It results in very long sentences, and most candidates make mistakes with it.
Instead, rewrite it directly and give your opinion like this:
- I disagree with giving people guaranteed jobs for life.
- In my opinion, jobs for life are not good for either the employer or the employee.
- As far as I am concerned, guaranteeing employees a job for life leads to poor productivity and less creativity.
You have a nice thesis sentence in your intro. You could make it even stronger by having the reasons in the same order as in the essay.
Paragraphs 2 and 3
Is the first sentence a topic sentence? If so it seems that the paragraph will be about “giving your best.” It’s not quite clear what the central topic of each paragraph is. Try and be very clear – perhaps here you could have separated the ideas into
- less productive employees
- less competitive companies
- less innovation and change
Have a clear topic sentence which tells the reader what the paragraph will be about.
Two very long sentences here - the total is 61 words, which means an average of 30.5 words. This is far too long, and each sentence tries to say too much.
Try to have a variety of sentences lengths and styles - some short, some long, or some with different structures. The two sentences at the end are very similar in style and structure. Short sentences have a lot of impact.
Your average sentence length is 22.7 words. This is far too long. Try to get the average to about 12-15 words. Writing is becoming simpler and shorter, and you lose your reader’s attention if you add many clauses and phrases into one sentence.
Here are some short sentences you could have used in your essay. Some could be used as topic sentences.
- Guaranteed jobs mean less productivity.
- Having a job for life allows workers to excel.
- Employees do not benefit from guaranteed jobs.
- Short-term contracts are not a good way to build loyalty.
- Job fears cause stress among employees.
- Without job security, workers will be reluctant to work well.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- the people with job security have very less interest → the people with job security have less interest OR the people with job security are much less interested
- as contended with the job → content with the job
Don’t use commas to separate the subject (‘my friend’) from the verb (keeps)
- For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work
You would never write
- My friend, lives in New Delhi
Avoid long sentences. They often lead to punctuation errors.
I have no idea what ‘MBBS’ means. Don’t use abbreviations or acronyms, and if you are unlucky enough to get a topic in your field, don’t use jargon or a lot of technical words.
- Business is an activity which is dynamic in nature. (9 words)
‘in nature’ and ‘is an activity which is ‘ contribute nothing. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Business is dynamic (3 words)
You wrote this 35-word monster. Break up long sentences.
- For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work and chatting most of the time which is affecting the productivity of the company along with her own efficiency.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
For instance, a friend working in the public sector admits to chatting and letting work pile up. This affects her efficiency and her department’s productivity. (25 words, 2 sentences, average 12.5 words per sentence.)
Overall, CrackTOEFL, be ruthless with your writing. Cut it back, prune it, lop bits off, consign entire phrases to the bin. You don't need to write 340 words - aim for a maximum of 300 words, and make them effective.
Have you tried writing by hand against the clock yet? 30 minutes only!
Again a huge thanks to Brian for his rewrite of your essay. You will notice that he removed MBBS. I'm not so keen on starting an essay with "It" (in fact two sentences in the intro) but overall he conveys most of your ideas in a lot shorter time.
There is no reward for writing more, and in fact, longer essays in IELTS often lose marks because of errors.
Make the examiner's job easy!
When are you doing the exam?