I know you are anxious about your test on Saturday, so I will add a few comments here.
I am really amazed at this topic - I can’t believe it’s an IELTS topic! Where did it come from? Are there really places in the world where people are not allowed to develop and instead live like exhibits in museums or zoos?
Where, exactly? Grumpy Amish famers in Pennsylvania, perhaps, or long-necked women in Thailand, or reluctant gondoliers in Venice, forced to get up every morning and endure hours of smelly canals and interminable accordion music, when they all would be much happier working in Starbucks.
And what it is the statement we are supposed to agree or disagree with - the fact that many tourists are visiting, or the absurd claim that tourism stops people from developing?
I’m always very skeptical about ‘IELTS topics’ - unless I see the question with my own eyes I don’t believe it.
Anyway, let me try to give a few comments, regardless of the ridiculous question!
The advantages of issue leads to accelerate the developing process; while, the drawback causes to some struggle with modern and traditional lifestyles.
This needs to be simplified and shortened and it needs concrete examples.
OK, I’ve now thought about it for five minutes, and I can’t do anything with it. I’m going to leave the entire sentence out. It doesn’t say anything really, and doesn’t add to your essay.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
The main benefit that the country can gain from tourists is an extensive income which can help the country to improve their infrastructures. (23 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
The main benefit is income which can help the country to improve its infrastructure. (14 words)
Due to the fact of tourism, other country shows their tendency to invest money.
This would be better and clearer if you had some cohesive device such as ‘secondly,’ ‘furthermore,’ or ‘in addition.’ (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion.)
other country shows their tendency to invest money
The pronoun reference to ‘other country’ is not clear. Here’s one possible rewrite, fully developed:
Secondly,/A second benefit is that/Another advantage is that tourism links can also lead to increased investment. As visitors enjoy and learn more about a country's products and services, they may begin to trade with or invest in the country.
- Although, this matter can help the country to develop faster → Although this can help the country to develop faster,
‘Although’ doesn’t need a comma.
In Paragraph Three You wrote:
There is a big discrepancy between modern lifestyle and traditional one and this makes people bewildered. Some people find it difficult to adopt themselves with modern lifestyle.
Pedram - you only have one idea in Paragraph Three. There are no examples. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response. What is the ‘discrepancy’? How do people find it difficult to adapt? We need examples.
Look at Band 6 : “presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed” or look at Band 4: “presents some main ideas but … not well supported”
I know you want a higher grade, so make sure to have ideas and to support them fully with examples!
Conclusion: Keep it short!
Just by looking at the conclusion we can see immediately that it is much longer than either of your two body paragraphs. Why???
There should be no new ideas in the conclusion. Just summarize both sides, and give your opinion. Nothing new - just a restatement, your opinion, and perhaps a look to the future. Why do you mention Dubai? This should be in the body somewhere.
You can read more about conclusions here.
Avoid empty words such as ‘matter’ ‘issue’ ‘in this regard’
On or Off Topic
I’ve kept the worst news until the last: your essay is off-topic.
You have looked at the effects of tourism. This is not what the question asked. The question is ridiculous, but if it is really an IELTS question, then we have to answer it. You have discussed (sort of) the advantages and disadvantages of tourism. The question asked if people in some tourist destinations were trapped or not being allowed to develop. So you would lose marks again on being off-topic.
Sorry to give you such bad news before your exam date, but it’s important that you concentrate, underline the question until you are sure what it is looking for, and spend 5-10 minutes brainstorming. Avoid padding with empty phrases, and give lots of examples.