My writing skill is not really good, so my red correct might be wrong. I think there are two problems with your essay. Firstly, some sentences are too long and complicated that sometime I can’t catch the main idea. Secondly, there are two paragraphs in the body part just pointing out your disagreement. The topic requires discussing both sides, so I offer you should have two paragraphs with contrast theses.
Polluted environments have been drawing people’s attention. Some people argue that the factor leading the serious problem is most forms of industry. Therefore, the best way to limit the pollution is that government should force factories and other forms of industry to pay for what they cause forcing them to pay for their polluted cause is necessary. However, I firmly believe that there are other ways to deal with this issue.
In the first place, the policy of harsh economic penalties is much appropriate but it has not been strict enough to help factories find their responsibilities. Facts have shown that In fact, charges to compensate industrial organizations’ action are much less significant than the profit they gain (the compensative expenses are less significant than the income they got) . Hence, they might completely afford all fee punished (punished fee). Furthermore, in some cases, these factories, for the sake of profit and reducing the producing cost, are willing to dump industrial chemical and waste into water resources as well as release gases and carbon dioxide into the air without any grudge and keep releasing pollutants to the environment instead of treating them. This might be explained that the action of violating law is covered by government officials who receive bribery from the factories’ leaders to amend the policy (this sentence does not support the main thesis. If you still want to mention the corruption, I’ll suggest: Moreover, those factories are willing to bribe government officials through the penalty to cover their action). That’s why We should also bear in mind that almost all policies are given just amended/passed when these incidents whose effects on environment are extremely serious had occurred for a long time harm the environment seriously. Thus, heavy fines are not the only option when they come to limiting pollution.
This brings me to the second point. In order to reduce the unconscious action (what is/are unconscious action(s)?)of factories, the government should use more rigorous punishments for their pollution which industrial organizations cause. For instance, any organizations that exceed the allowance of pollution level will suffer the closure soon, instead of only paying penalties. Also, it is necessary to utilize some methods including raising campaigns to boycott the usage of products of which companies which break the regulations or raising people’s awareness of consuming environment-friendly items more often (I think this sentence is too long). Equally important (I prefer “Finally”), all of policies must be forced to follow right from the scratch so that the rate of pollution is remarkably minimized.
To conclude, today environmental issues which are result of industrialization have escalated significantly. This requires the policy makers to give a strict punishment to the factories and other form of industry which hit out at the bad effects for the impacts of the factories and other form of industry on environment . Unless law is implemented efficiently, human would not will live in the polluted environment. (At last, what is your opinion, agree or disagree?)
Overall, your essay uses variable vocabulary and paraphrasing. Your support sentences are good. Through your essay, i have learned many new words and especially the combining phrases.