Hi Pedram_Vaziry and Brian!
Thanks for your essay Pedram. Brian said you should add it as a new topic - but I don't mind it being in the same topic as an earlier essay if it's on exactly the same subject. In fact, it can make it easier to compare. So no worries.
In your intro, you wrote:
Getting more money from foreigner than normal is a subject that makes a great disagreement between people. Some people think this is unfair. However, other people think tourist has to pay more because they want to use local facilities.
I absolutely agree with Brian about your first sentence. Don't try to make every first sentence into 'a debate' or 'hotly contested' or 'controversial issue' or a 'matter for discussion.' These phrases are overused, and very tired. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Try to avoid using these phrases!
Here’s one possible rewrite which avoids this problem and which avoids the unclear pronoun reference ‘they’
Some people think this it is unfair to charge foreigners more to visit tourist attractions. However, other people think this is perfectly justifed. In this essay….
I like your short and simple thesis sentence. Good - but I really don’t like this completely unnecessary sentence in Para 2:
Tourist is called to someone who wants to travel to other country for special reason such as going to historical places or for spending leisure time there
I think we can reasonably expect most IELTS examiners to know what a tourist is. You only have 250 words – get to the point.
- The more tourist, the more income for country. → The more tourists, the more income for the/a country. OR The more tourism, the more income for the country.
- In my opinion, there is big difference between local people and tourists. → there is a big difference between local people and tourists.
- the country also have to spend great amount of money → also has to spend a great amount of money
In order to reach to his or her goals, has to spend a lot of money.
Who? The subject is missing. This could be rewritten as:
Tourists have to spend a lot of money.
Why? And who says so? This idea (if you are going to include it) needs supporting. Should tourism only be for the rich? Fine, if you think so, but you need to support every idea you put forward in Task 2. Brian is correct on this point - support support support your statements.
Obviously when someone wants to use from its possession, has to pay less.
Who? The subject is missing. Notice that both sentences used commas wrongly. If in doubt, leave them out.
Let’s try to make this puzzling sentence clearer by adding an example.
Obviously locals should pay less to see important parts of their heritage. Egyptians should pay less than Indians to visit the Pyramids, Indians less than Nepalis to see the Taj Mahal, and Americans less than Chinese to enjoy Disney World.
(I’m joking here, but you still need examples.)
- The destination country can gain a lot of money from tourism industry and also have to spend great amount of money to provide a good ambience to attract tourists. →The destination country can gain a lot of money from tourism but also has to spend great amount to provide a good ambience for tourists.
Ideas 1: Unsupported
Therefore the main goal of attraction of tourist is to get money from them. →
The main reason for attracting tourists is to make money from them.
Really? That’s a little mercenary, isn’t it? What about hospitality? What about the exchange of cultures, travel broadening the mind, harmony among nations, and world peace. Only 'show me the money'? Again, this is a perfectly valid idea, but it needs support. (Are you planning to become either the best - or worst - tourism minister in the world?)
Ideas 2: Generalizations
Secondly, consider a historical place. It is the local people history and it is for their ancestor. →
Many tourist attractions are part of the history of a country, and as such belong to their local people.
This idea is fine, but a little general. What about historical places such as Auschwitz, or Robben Island, or the Berlin Wall, or Uluru (Ayers Rock)? Are these world places or historical attractions for only one group in the country? What if I am a Sri Lankan Australian or Greek Australian - would Uluru be part of my history or belong to my ancestors?
Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response and 'generalizations' or 'unsupported ideas.'
In my opinion, there is big difference between local people and tourists, due to this is their own country.
Who does ‘their’ refer to? Let’s break it into two sentences:
There is big difference between local people and tourists. Locals have to pay taxes, and they have to deal with all the disadvantages of tourism. Tourists, on the other hand, only visit a place for a few days, and demand special treatment. In my opinion, this justifies slightly higher prices for foreign visitors.
- The destination country can gain a lot of money from tourism industry and also have to spend great amount of money to provide a good ambience to attract tourists. → The destination country can gain a lot of money from tourism but also has to spend a great amount to provide a good ambience to attract tourists.
In your conclusion, have three sentences, not one. Brian is right (again!) to suggest breaking up the single long sentence.
Have one summarizing one side. Have a second sentence summarizing the other side. Have a third sentence giving your opinion. You can also look to the future in this final sentence, or have a fourth one. Don’t try to summarize everything in one sentence.
Brian suggested joining your second and third paragraphs. Yes and no - it depends. If your ideas are very short (e.g .paragraph four), then yes. I would suggest EITHER a 35553 layout, or a 3773 layout. You should have six ideas and examples (3773 layout ), or else three ideas with very full development (35553). You can find more about 3773 and 35553 layout here.
Finally, I liked Brian’s rewrite of your Para 3:
Overall, Pedram, you just need to support your ideas fully. I would suggest following a more standard layout for a while, until you feel free to depart from it. Watch for missing subject and problems with articles (although this essay was much better in that regard).
I hope you can hellp some other users out here, as Rose and Brian have done! Every little helps! There'san essay here from N_Sunuwar and she is really looking for some feedback.