Hi B_rock09

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is very formal. It’s careful and correct, and I wonder how long it took you to write it. It’s also the correct word length, at 259 words, but the average number of words per sentence at 17.27 (see the second readability link under “Useful Links” above) could be lower – try to reduce this to between 12 and 15 words per sentence.

Again the point that strikes immediately is the use of very formal phrases such as

• It is the opinion of others that
• The merits of
• Notwithstanding these opinions,
• I do not share these views.
• An obvious proof of this claim is
• I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea
• On the contrary,
• One’s education

You have used them correctly, something a lot of candidates for the IELTS exam fail to do.  However, the result is somewhat stiff, and the accuracy of the phrases contrasts with errors in agreement and articles found elsewhere in the essay.  It’s like wearing a tuxedo to a university tutorial but forgetting to change out of your running shoes.

What would happen if you left these phrases out? Let’s see! It’s a 250-word opinion essay, not a debate at Oxford, and you are allowed -  encouraged -  to say ‘I’ and ‘you.’  

• It is the opinion of others that having education abroad is a good opportunity for a student  → Some people claim having an education abroad is a good opportunity for a student.
   
• The merits of studying abroad is very considerable. → Studying abroad can have considerable advantages.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• exposed on → exposed to
• A person also learn how to be independent → A person also learns how to be independent
• Most  of graduates our country have had produced are highly competitive. →
  Most of the graduates our country has produced are highly competitive OR
  Most graduates in our country are highly competitive.
• One does not have to endure homesickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land →
  One does not have to endure homesickness and the hassle of living alone in a foreign land OR
  You don't have to endure the homsickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land.
• Adjustment period has never been easy → The adjustment period is never easy
   
• I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea that it is better to have one's education outside the country.→  
  I disagree that it is better to have one's education outside the country. OR
  I think it's far better for most students to complete their education in their own country.

Unnecessary words

• He can do several things alone with less supervision from other people or significant others. 
     
• Adjustment period has never been easy and it is also a struggle for both parties, the person himself and his family. → The adjustment period is never easy and can be a struggle for both the student and his family

Overall, the essay is well organized and ideas are developed. My suggestion is that 'one' should relax a little and try to keep a more consistent tone throughout. Watch out for basic errors which throw the formal phrases into sharp focus.  Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 Writing Descriptors under the heading 'Lexical Resource.'

I hope you can use your skills to comment on some essays here! Have a look at new essays by Shuaishaui000, Katiss, and Brian

Hi b_rock09!

Thank you! I hope the exam goes well for you. Please come back and post your results good bad or wonderful in the Results forum!

Your question about Band 7 is the same as Guru asked, so I’ll repeat here: I don’t see why not – it’s a good band to aim for! Have a look at my reply to Yokama for what you need to have in each of the four areas (Task Response, Cohesion Vocab, and Grammar)  you will be marked on

https://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/childrengames-sports-social-activities-learning-1-are-under-increasing-educational-social-and-financial-stress-some-people-think-this-is-a-positive-development-do-you-agree-1#p854

In short, the key characteristics for a Band 7 according to the public IELTS descriptors for Writing Task 2 are

• addresses all parts of the task
• presents a clear position throughout the response
• logically organizes information and ideas;
• uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
• produces frequent error-free sentences

As you can see, it’s not so impossible. So have a look at the descriptors (IELTS Task 2 official public descriptors) and decide what your strengths and weaknesses are!