Hello Malak o8 and thanks for this essay
Your essay is 350 words long, which is getting dangerously long. You are only required to write 250 words, and you only have 40 minutes. Your sentences are too long - over 20 words on average. Please try to get this down to about 12 words per sentence. One or two long sentences (e.g. 20-24 words) is fine in the essay, but you need a lot of shorter ones.
Use the links at the top of the pages to check any future essays for average sentence length (number of words per sentence).
Your essay would benefit from tight editing. Many of your sentences sound as if you are speaking, but speaking is not the same as writing. If you are giving a presentation on this topic, the essay would sound good, but that's not the same as IELTS Task 2 writing. You have to remove unnecessary words, have only one idea per sentence, remove extra clauses and information.
What can we remove from this 28-word sentence?
First, it aids children to be know what occurred before they birth and help them to avoid the mistakes that caused some bad things such as the wars.
First, history helps children to learn about and avoid the mistakes of the past.
Here's another 29-word monster:
Like this information about the wars may be learn children how the racism is so dangerous and make him know how they should be more respect for all people.
Children can hear about the dangers of racism, and learn to respect others.
Thirteen words. (Note: 'Like' is for speaking only). Try to write shorter sentences and remove unneeded words.
Develop your ideas fully
first point, it wastes children's time in things happened in the past. To illustrate, what will children take advantage from study about people who was living in china five hundred ago.
I'm sure Chinese people reading this essay will want to know about their past. Avoid generalizations - see the official criteria for IELTS Task 2 Writing.
Five hundred what? Did you mean years? The IELTS exam is not the time to be careless. You've worked hard for it and perhaps paid a lot of money for it.
First, some history topics may not seem relevant to students. Long, boring lists of names and dates may not seem useful or interesting for students living thousands of miles away
Don't use memorized phrases
This essay will consider the advantages and disadvantages from study history subject in children school.
Briefly, there are good reasons both for and against history is the most important subject for a child to study at school.
Use your own words. Show the examiner your vocabulary
This essay will look at some advantages of studying history, as well as some problems.
Briefly, history can help motivate people and help them understand each other. However, it can also bring back old problems and disputes.
The main thing Malak is to remember that writing is NOT the same as speaking. You have to be more careful, think about every sentence, and remove unnecessary words.