Hi Bindu and welcome to Writefix!
Thanks for this essay. It’s an unusual topic!
Your essay is 272 words long, which is good ( I recommend 250-320) and has 19.4 words, which is too high. We need some shorter sentences.
I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long and short, with different structures (simple, complex and compound) one or two questions.
It’s easy to reduce the average number - just add some very short sentences (4-8 words), break up longer sentences, and try to have only one idea per sentence.
I would go straight to the point and remove the first sentence
We are in an era of great technological advancement. Among the many inventions made till date, cloning is one of them which have brought drastic change in the field of reproduction. (31 words, two sentences, average 15.5 words per sentence)
We could join the idea to the next sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Among many recent technological advances, cloning has brought drastic changes in the field of reproduction. (15 words)
But, really, we could just jump straight in:
Cloning has brought drastic changes in the field of reproduction. (10 words)
Having a shorter introduction and shorter sentences allows you to have more ideas and give more examples in the body.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- still male are forced to get married second or even third times → males are forced to get married two or even three times
- parents not having children will be the one, who will be most benefited. → Parents without children will benefit most.
For parents who are willing to have a child and are not able to reproduce should be allowed. (18 words).
The subject is missing from this sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Cloning should be allowed for parents who unable to reproduce.(10 words)
In this essay, I will be expressing my views on the way people will be benefited. → In this essay, I will express my views on how people will benefit (try to avoid unnecessary passives).
This is also a thesis sentence, so you could help your reader by giving them a preview. Here’s one possible rewrite:
In this essay, I will describe the advantages for parents and some effects on crime.
- parents not having children will be the one, who will be most benefited → parents without children will be the one who will be benefit most
- Suppose a son did a wrong work then, it would not be possible → If a son did a wrong work it would not be possible(This sentence is still wrong: I'm not sure what you mean, but here's a possible rewrite: If a child committed a crime..?
- the same appearance will be creating problem in field like entertainment, security etc. → the same appearance will be creating problem in field like entertainment and security. (Avoid using ‘etc.’ or ‘and so on’ or other lazy lists. Aim for at least three examples. Use ‘and’ or ‘or’ between the last two examples.)
- In many uneducated society→ In many uneducated societies
- male are forced to get married → males are forced to get married
- Suppose a son did a wrong work → If a child committed a crime
- the same appearance will be creating problem in field like entertainment → the same appearance will be creating problems in fields like entertainment OR the same appearance will create a problem in fields like entertainment
- cloning is one of them which → cloning is one which
- the offspring that are produce → the offspring that are produced are
- If parents lost their only child… cloning will be the only solution for their problem. → If parents lost their only child… cloning would be the only solution for their problem.
- the same appearance will be creating problem → the same appearance will create a problem
- So in decision making it will be creating lots of problem. → This will/could create many problems for policy makers.
Try not to overuse the future continuous “will be +ing”
In many uneducated society, still male are forced to get married second or even third times just because they don't have their own offspring. (24 words)
In many uneducated societies, there is pressure on men to remarry if their wives do not have children. (18 words).
It’s not a big change, but if you can reduce most sentences by 25% or 30% then you will be able to have more ideas and still stay within the word limit.
Ideas and Organization
In Paragraph Three, I am confused about the main idea: is it crime or entertainment? And what about some specific examples? Would you like Shahrukh Khan or John Abraham to be cloned so they can entertain us forever? Specific examples would help!
Overall, Bindu, I'd like to see THREE examples for each. In this essay you are looking at the positive and negative sides of cloning, so more examples would be needed for each. Spend 7-10 minutes brainstorming before you start to write and don't start until you have lots of ideas, each with examples.
Reduce your sentence length and try to have not more than 12-15 words on average. Your sentences have a lot of padding.
As Ramesh789 said, your basics are there - the correct layout, the organization, the thesis sentence - but tighter sentences and more examples would help your essay to be more interesting and detailed.