I am so sorry. Actually, I already used 30 minutes to fix some mistakes in your essay, but I typed a wrong enter, the comment is lost. I don't want to do it again, I am lazy. Sorry.

Anyway, I just want to talk about your essay. There are some gramma mistakes in your essay, and some sentences is way too long. Cut it down could help you make less mistakes in your essay.

Some sentences is repeated a lot in this essay, like your part 3. This is not like an Ielts essay, look at the link at the top and you will learn something from it.

For instance, this is your sentence.

On the whole,we need to help others regardless of the differences of races and nations not only because of the nature of human beings, but also for the sake of ourselves, for we can receive help more efficiently and even from the outside of our communities and nations.

Here is my rewrite.

The assistant should not seperate from race or nationality and they should join force to cope with the problems faced in some countries. Cooperation across different nations could increase the efficiency and stimulate the development of the sencience. I believe that the tendency of the future is cooperating and assimilating.

Hope it will be helpful.

Best regards

emily said

Hi,DavidLee,thank you for your advice.I'm going to take ilets exam on August 25,and I am really nervous.Could you please tell me what main problems about my essay?I really want to improve it.thank you very much!

Alwrite. I ll try, but my essays is not so good too.

1. Grammar mistakes. If u check ur essay, u ll find some sentences dont make any sense. I d like to use a tool to help me find ur grammar mistakes. Unfortunately, except the punctuation problems (you type the punctuation in wrong way. U see, behind the punctuation type a space enter) u have at least 15 mistakes in ur essay. I guess it achieve the demand in band 6 in grammar part (make some mistakes)

2. Long sentences. It is the reason which led to the tons of mistakes in ur essay. Just cut it down. I remembered in yesterday, I dont understand some meaning in ur sentence, its hard to comprehend.

3. Repetitive conjunction. Such as "It is true that", "in addition" , "further", "Some people nurture the belief that " Some conjunction which is good, but plenty of those kind of meaningless pharses is annoying.

4. The idea of ur opinion. I guess if u want to decribe both opinion, u should give three pros and cons in the essay. The narration could persuade the examiner is important.

5. The choose of lexical choice. The complex (hard) word is rare and the sentence pattern is restricted.

I guess this is ur problem, I cant do it well to. Dont worry, u still have enough time to correct it. BTW, I ll take the exam in Sep 1. So just work hard and believe urself.

Come on!

 Best regards

 

David

I think that your essay has some mistakes like mine

Individuals and countries can not help everyone who need help in the world ,so we should be only concerned about our own communities and countries.Do you agree or disagree?

 

Despite the development of the whole world for several decades,there are still a large number of people waiting for pour help,which ignites a heated debate ,that is,should we restrict our help to our ownm communinities and countries only(It may be a run on sentence).I tend to believe that is the last thing we should do.(I dont quite understand what U mean here,u should write it more clearly)

 

Some people nurture the belief (hold firm believe )that the limitation of our ability and resources leaves us no choice but to use all the resources for the sake of our own communities and countries,arguing that we cannot help others at the expense of our own citizens' well-beings.In addition, it does not really make sense that we help those who have no relations with us.(This paragraph lacks coherence and cohesion.U dont state your opinion clearly and support it well.also watch out for run on sentence)

 

It is true that the resources are limited,but this fact does not mean that we could only help people of our own country. The limitation of resources,in actual fact, asks us to help the people who need that most and who cannot live without that .It is much more meaningful than giving help to people living in our own countries who do not need it urgently.

 

Further,in a world of globalisation,everyone is related to others (each other).We are all human beings,sharing one earth,for which reason it is our obligations to help others across the boundaries of communities and countries .In addition,that is also beneficial for the optimisation of global resources and the boom of efficiency.(not clear)

 

On the whole,we need to help others regardless of the differences of races and nations not only because of the nature of human beings, but also for the sake of ourselves, for we can receive help more efficiently and even from the outside of our communities and nations.

U should watch out for repitition,run-on,cliche or generic sentence and have a look at the basic structure of a paragraph.This must your first essays and u are still affected by the writing styles of other cultures.I advise you to make an outline,too.Otherwise thanks for urs and this is only my personal opinion.dont be irritate with that)))