Nobody has commented yet 🙁 - so here's some input from me...
You have 273 words in 17 sentences - an average of about 16 words per sentence, which is all fine.
Two sentences stand out in your essay:
- Language is the embodiment of culture
- Most people consider that French and Japanese are elegant languages; Spanish is an energetic language.
These two sentences are what will stick in the examiner's mind, for both good and bad reasons. 'Embodiment' is a very low-frequency word, and the examiner will be happy to see if, as long as the rest of the essay is at a similar level. If not, they may regard words like 'embodiment' as memorized text.
The sentence about French, Japanese and Spanish is interesting because of the idea in it. Here, an examiner is going to want to see if you have developed your idea. How does Japanese embody, represent, encapsulate or portray Japanese culture? Are Spanish people more energetic, but less elegant, than French people? *
It would be great if you had time and word length to develop this very interesting idea. Perhaps you could do it in a 300- or a 350-word essay. This is the challenge of IELTS Task 2 for intermediate writers - how to express complex ideas in such a short time and word length.
A couple of sentences and phrases are not needed or simply repeat an idea without developing it:
It’s a means of communication.
This sentence just repeats the previous one. In fact, I think it's better than the previous one.
This sentence needs a slight change
I believe that there will more than 2 official languages many years later.
This could change (note: spell out numbers less than ten):
I believe there will eventually be two or even three official global languages.
The sentence below has run-ons/comma splices - basically, it's too long, and there is also a small tense problem:
Almost every country required people to learn English as their second language, but that doesn’t mean English is the only global language, nowadays, more and more people start to learn Chinese.
Almost every country requires people to learn English. But that doesn't mean English is not the only global language: more and more people are starting to learn Chinese.
Comma Splices/Run-on sentences
There is another run-on/comma splice here:
To develop a language takes lots of time, we can find the value of culture and understand their history from learning languages.
Comma splices are easy to fix. Just make separate sentences. For more on comma splices, look here.
To develop a language takes lots of time. We can understand the culture and history of a country by learning its language.
And another one:
We live in a global earth, which we can meet foreigner easily
You could change this by omitting the comma:
We live in a global society where we can meet foreigners easily
Thanks for the essay. How long did it take to write? I think this one would have been better if you had been able to develop your ideas more.
* If you are French, Spanish, or Japanese, please write a message and tell us!