Hi ChristyZhongs and welcome to Writefix.
I've just seen your essay and want to agree 100% with Lifei's comment about templates. Here is your essay with the unneccessary phrases highlighted.
Remove all of these phrases. Seriously.
Dump them, forget them, shoot them at dawn, find a hole and bury them, put a stake through their slimy grey repellent hearts.
If you can't bring yourself to do that, then put them in a box and somewhere safe until AFTER your IELTS exam. Then use them in your writing if you want. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Try to avoid using these phrases!
In some cases, memorized phrases like this may not even be included in your word count. You have 80 words below which do not add anything to your essay. Some of them are not used properly. One or two of them, used properly, fine, but not so many.
Your essay 340 words long, which is too long. Aim for between 275 and 300 words. That's about a page and a half. Print out the sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet here so that you know the appropriate length depending on your handwriting.
There are twenty lines on each side of the page, which makes it easier for examiners to estimate the length of your essay. If you write 10 words on a line and write about a page and a half, that's 300 words. That's more than enough.
There has been much discussion on whether help poor countries with technology and practical advice rather than financial aid. In this essay,I will compare and contrast two typical opinion regarding this issue.
There are valid reasons for some people to believe that technology plays an important role in the present days and more helpful for the poor country. First of all, it seems that technology change the way we are living. Our own experiance has revealed that the extensive use of the internet makes the life more convinient and efficiency. For example, nowadays people no need to go outside to the market, they only need to sit in front of the computer and press the mouse, then they can buy plenty kinds of products through the internet which save lots of time. Moreover, technological advances help the current generation overcome lots of illnesses. This can be best illustrated with the fact that if people in poor country get the new medical technology and the practical advice which can help themselves to survive from diseases. Lastly, practical advice with the newly technology can save the development effort for the poor countries. Moreover, it helps to boost efficientcy and productivity, thus the economy growth. By that I mean poor countries benefit from the modern technology and practical advice support by the international organizations.
On the other hand, it is worth to pointing out that there are also arguments supporting the opinion that financial aid is important for poor countries. The main one may be the government cannot fund to provide a better education to its citizens, It is evident that people lack of knowledge is hard to accept the new technology, even they are willing to. As a consequently, financial support is necessary.
Having considered the respective of both views, I think technology and practial advice can help poor country develop faster. Also, I would suggest that proper financial support can help to alleviate the burden on the government of the poor country,which is based on the above reasoning I have presented.
Be careful to stay on topic.
Another problem with your essay is in the first part of Paragraph Two. You discuss a lot about technology, but it moves away from the topic of aid from international agencies. It does come back at the end of the paragraph, but make sure that all your essay is on topic. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, and find the word 'tangential' in Task Response.
A big thanks to Lifei for her comment! Have a look at the grammar again, remove ALL the phrases highlighted above, and don't be afraid to write clear simple English of your own.
Also, it would be great if you can comment on some of the other essays here by other writers! Help each other to get a great IELTS score!