Hello Sama, and sorry for the delay in replying to your post.
A couple of points
- Be careful with your thesis sentence - make sure it's related to the topic and that you do what you said you would do in your thesis.
- Don't add new information in the conclusion
- Develop your ideas fully. Don't use lists in a sentence - instead write a sentence about each item in a list!
I would argue about job and the effects on people's life expectancy.
I'm note sure Sama that this is related to the topic: life expectancy usually means the number of years that a person can be expected to live (Japan & Sweden among the highest, Haiti and Zimbabwe among the lowest). Even if you did mean the number of years, you didn't deal with it enough in the other paragraphs.
Job security means having a safe job - a job that will last all your life, a job (usually a boring job) with a well-established company or a ministry. It doesn't mean unsafe as in dangerous to your health.
Have a look at the descriptors for IELTS Task 2 writing at http://www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf. It's not mentioned but there is quite a big penalty if the prompt (question) is misunderstood.
Although in my opinion pleasure and satisfaction is more important rather than money since future is vague and it is not rational to ruin present for future.
This is an interesting idea but it's a shame you didn't discuss it in an earlier paragraph! Don't add new ideas or new information at the end - be organized and put them in the middle of your essay!
Develop ideas fully
It's obvious that an ideal job will have good co-workers, salary, high social level, appropriate time schedule, concern to university major which is not possible in every situation.
Some very good points here. First, make sure a list is parallel (all verbs, or all nouns, or all phrases). But, more importantly, don't just throw all your ideas into one sentence! You could easily make four or five sentences out of this one! Your essay is only 225 words long, and would be penalized in IELTS. Don't throw away marks when you have so many ideas! Develop them fully - write sentences about each one.
Remember, what is clear to you may not be so clear to the reader: your job is to explain and gently lead them from one idea to the next idea, not to bombard them with examples.
Hoping to see more essays from you soon! Please feel free to suggest and help others on the forum!