Hi Linh - welcome back!
Thanks for this essay. I'm afraid I did a lot of work on it…
Did you notice that many of the sentences start with a short phrase?
- To begin with,
- That is to say
- To be specific,
- To make matters worse,
- As shown above,
I think you have too many of these cohesive devices or markers. This might move you down to a Band 5 (see the IELTS Public Descriptors for Task 2 – the first under Links): it mentions “over-use of cohesive devices.” Just say what you want to say - you are quite capable! Your sentences should flow from one to the other without these bitty little phrases - use them sparingly.
I would edit your introduction severely.
There is a dominant trend that contemporary societies are getting in swing of multi-ethnic or multi-racism nation. It assumes great significant with cultural and economic development, however, the damage to political climate may be colossal.
Minimize use of “There is” or “There are.” Check that you use the right form of related words (e.g. "racial" instead of “racism,” "significance" instead of “significant”). Don’t over-exaggerate (“colossal”). Here's a possible rewrite:
Many societies are becoming more multi-ethnic. This can help the economic and cultural development of a country, but it can also cause political sectarian or racial problems.
I would also shorten and simplify this sentence:
To be specific, since the convergence of dissonant cultures is likely to create a unique, charming culture with strong ethnicities, the country will become a favorable destination for tourist, which facilitates tourism sector as well as service industries. (38 words, 10 nouns, only three real verbs)
The convergence of different cultures can create a fascinating mix, attracting tourists and developing the economy.
Another sentence has vocab and organization issues
Moreover, thanks to cultural diversity, citizens enjoy a chance of adoring with many different customs, cultural heritages. This, thus, not enlightens their mind but stimulates innovativeness in creative fields like fashion, art also. (33 words, 11 nouns, only three verbs)
- The word ‘adoring’ needs a change.
- Try to aim for three, rather than two, examples in a sentence. If you use two, join them with “and”
Thanks to cultural diversity, citizens can learn from many different customs and cultural heritages. This enlightens their minds and stimulates innovation and creativity in fashion, art, design and literature.
"in a multi-racism society" -> change to "multiracial" The word “ethnics” is usually an adjective, not a noun. You could use ‘ethnicities’ or the simpler word ‘groups.’ I think you mean ‘unfortunate’ rather than ‘fortunate’
Try to have a mix of short (less than 10) and long sentences (up to 20 or so), but an average sentence length of 12 words. Long sentences are likely to have more errors. You can check sentence length in Microsoft Word, and the website http://www.Online-Utility.org lets you copy-and-paste text for readability analysis.
Furthermore, the enforcement of new policy based on interest of majority exclusively may violate benefits of minorities, which leads to vocal protest of the latter. (25 words, 8 nouns)
- There are EIGHT nouns in this sentence. Try to have more verbs and fewer nouns so that your sentences move.
- The word ‘latter’ forces the reader to go back. This is hard to do, particularly with long sentences, and annoying for readers, who lose their place . Try to keep your writing going forward, never backward. The same goes for the words ‘former’ and ‘respectively’: avoid them.
- There are four or five missing articles.
Your idea here is very good. Would this be clearer and more dynamic?
Policies favoring the majority can alienate minorities and lead to protests or conflict. (13 words, only 5 nouns)
To make matter worse, with negotiation failing to set right the dispute, people could invariably execute armed conflicts, race shooting, terrorist acts to claim their own rights, putting social security into jeopardy. (32 words,10 nouns, some fragments, generalizations (‘invariably’).
Let’s simplify and shorten.
If negotiations fail, sectarian conflict can result. (8 words, 2 nouns, 2 verbs)
Essay Organization: Order of paragraphs
In Para 2, you discussed the positives.
In Para 3, you discussed the negatives
In the conclusion, you state:
As shown above, positive effects seem to outstrip negative impacts on development of race mixed country
- Check for articles. This sentence is missing FOUR articles (a, an, the, etc)
- It’s generally better to have the argument closest to the conclusion as your opinion.
Here are two possible essay layouts, for two writers with different opinions
|Conclusion: I disagree!
||Conclusion: I agree!
In the final sentences, I think you mean ‘indispensable’, not dispensable
Again some great ideas, but try to express them as simply as possible. Keep sentences short, check for articles, and use more verbs and fewer nouns.