Hi Alison

Thanks for the comments. I like the one about the conclusion sounding rushed or hurried. I agree!

But I didn't spot the fact that the last sentence is generic. Well done!  It could indeed be used in a million essays.

Lifei wrote:

We, as a society, needs to make a concerted effort to combat this problem.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

We, as a society, can combat this problem by helping young people get started in business and by providing more useful skills in college.

Hi Lifei

This is an excellent essay. Well done and thanks for taking the time to do the rewrite.

The only change's I'd make would be to change one word ('common' instead of 'popular' in Paragraph Two) and remove a couple of commas in the concluding sentence:

• We, as a community, need to take effective steps, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills, to finally resolve this problem. OR
• As a community, we need to take effective steps, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills, to finally resolve this problem. OR even
• As a community, we need to take effective steps to resolve this problem, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills.

Otherwise, I'm very happy with it.

Hi Ammat

A good thesis sentence helps you and the reader.

It helps you because in one sentence you write down and fix in your brain what you will talk about and the order you will do it in. It helps the reader because he or she can predict how your essay will be laid out.

Always have one. Examiners like to see them because ƒa good thesis sentence probably means that the writer is going to present "a clear central topic within each paragraph" (Band 7) or at least "arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression" (Band 6). (These come from the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version.)

You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

Don't write one which could be used in a million essays:

• I have my opinion and I will share it with you now  OR
• I agree with the contentious statement above which has sparked heated debate among sociologists and many respected and reputed academicians and below I will express some reasons which will support my personal position on this question.

(I feel sick just from typing these words).

Instead, have a thesis sentence which lays out the essay and probably gives your opinion:

This essay will explain why requiring equal numbers of male and female students in university classes is unfair for both male and female students and bad for the university.

The reader can now reasonably expect three paragraphs: one about why it's bad for women, another about why it's bad for men, and a third about the effect on the university.