Hello Naheed and many thanks for going to all the trouble of resubmitting your essay. (Your original essay can be found here).
I think this is definitely improved!
I might shorten the introduction. The first two sentences are fairly similar in meaning, and very similar in structure (they both start with "It is..." - you should try to vary consecutive sentences in the essays). You wrote:
It is clear that the media reflects the picture of society and all the happenings around us .It is true that the media highlights more news about calamities and violence. In this essay I shall discuss the causes of more projection of violence and disaster on media and some of their possible solutions.
This could be rewritten as:
Although the media's job is to give a picture of society and events, some media channels highlight disasters and violence. In this essay I shall discuss why so many graphic images are shown and look at ways to reduce the flood of violence in the media.
Here the first sentence describes both sides - the positive and negative aspects of the media. The second one - the thesis sentence - simplifies slightly what you said.
You have good topic sentences in Paragraph 2 and 3. They are short and clear and say what you are going to discuss in each paragraph. You also have some short sentences which are very effective: "Firstly, bad news always attracts more viewers"; "However, people have become immune to ferocity and barbarism." Such short sentences really help the reader by conveying information quickly.
A rat race to catch latest news and present it in a way to get attention of more viewers often results in distortion of facts.
A rat race to catch the latest news and get the attention of more viewers often results in the distortion of facts.
Most of the news and reports of disasters and violence are just ignored and unheard by most of the people
Many news reports are just ignored because people are now accustomed to violence in the media.
Most of those persons would enjoy these shows rather than watching scary and frightening news and images.
Most people would enjoy these shows rather than watch frightening news and images.
I would make the second sentence below more specific by giving an example. I removed some unncessary words (success AND prosperity are similar, audience AND spectators are similar).
Firstly, bad news always attracts more viewers. Large number of audience and spectators are guaranteed for the success and prosperity of that channel.
Firstly, bad news always attracts more viewers. Showing images of war or natural disasters guarantees a larger audience and brings more money.
Foremost is to improve the legislation about media including what to broadcast and how much is allowed to show on media.
Foremost is the need to improve media legislation regarding what and how much can be shown.
Astringent censorship policy would definitely help.
A stringent censorship policy would definitely help.
The phrase below is a fragment:
As such news are not helping in setting people’s mindset for the good.
It needs to be joined to the previous sentence
Astringent censorship policy would definitely help to reduce the misery and violent actions from news. As such news are not helping in setting people’s mindset for the good.
A stringent censorship policy would definitely help to reduce the effect of media violence on people’s mindsets.
Specify - avoid boilerplate text
I know it's the end of the essay, you are tired, and the clock is ticking, but the following sentence could go in ANY essay on ANY topic. Watch out for these chunks, as examiners may suspect that they are memorized.
Simple measures are required to transform the situation
Try to make all sentences directly relevant to the essay question. Here's the same sentence with the examples you gave from Paragraph 3
Simple measures such as strict controls and more positive programming might even make watching TV fun again.
Thanks again for rewriting. I think it's really been worth the effort. Just be ruthless and eliminate all unncessary words. I've posted this quote before, but I think it's really appropriate. There is a difference between writing and speaking. In speaking, we use a lot of redundant and unnecessary words and phrases. In writing, every word must have a function, just as a machine has "no unnecessary parts"…
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
in Elements of Style