Hi Reza and welcome to Writefix
Here's a few comments on your essay.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- the new vivid lifestyle
- the new machinery lifestyle
- the new consumary lifestyle
- leaves not much space for parents → does not leave much space for parents
- for parents to care their children → for parents to care for their children
- This is also very supportive by people → This idea is also supported by people who say...
- parents who have to work hard outside home have normally lack of time → parents who have to work hard outside home normally have a lack of time OR parents who have to work hard outside the home lack time to…
- there is no more energy to put to their children → they have no more energy for their children OR they have no more energy to devote to their children
- The childhood ages demands lot of parential attentions to develop a healthy character inside a person. (17 words) → Children need a lot of parental attention in order to develop properly. (12 words)
- Children usually get depressed and react this flaw → Children usually get depressed and react to this absence of parental care
Your organization is fine until the conclusion. You wrote:
According to many reports, juvenile delinquency inside adults who grow up with less parential attention is far more comparing to those who have had their parent’s attention
This sentence needs to move to the body. Don’t add any new information in the conclusion. You can read more about conclusions here.
- Therefore the modern lifestyle would not help in any way in favour of children receving more attention from their parents. (20 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Therefore the modern lifestyle does not help children to get enough attention from their parents. (15 words)
Coherence and Cohesion
However being very widespread, the recent way of living would slowly hurt the necessary attention
The link is not clear here between ‘being widespread’ and ‘slowly hurt.’ Here’s one possible rewrite:
However, as more and more parents work outside the home, children will receive less and less attention from their parents.
Children usually get depressed and react this flaw by committing juvenile crimes at the worst level however.
Do all children of working parents commit serious crimes? Just add 'some' and the sentence will be OK.
Avoid generalizations: Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response.
Overall, the layout is fine. You thesis sentence needs work: it could be in a million essays:
This essay is going to challenges both ideas.
You should rewrite this to make it specific to the topic. In any case, did you really challenge both ideas?!
Your essay is over 340 words long. This is too long. Try to get down to about 300 maximum and it will be stronger. There are many words you could remove:
parents who have to work hard outside home have normally lack of time to interact with their children. They definitely have much responsiblity and pressure at work and they are possibly under work pressure. As a result, they should be are very exhausted after a tedious daywork and thus there is no more have no energy to put to for their children.
Your version: 56 words. Without the underlined words: 37 words.
This means more words are available for extra ideas, and you have more time to choose the correct words and fix errors. Shorten and simplify whenever you can!