Hi Moemoe again!
Here are a few suggestions (well, a lot of suggestions, sorry!). Maybe you could have a look at your other essay and see if any
Introduction: Tired Phrases
These don't add anything to your intro:
- It is undeniable
- there is no doubt that
Your essay starts to get interesting AFTER the reader gets past these tired old phrases. Learn more about tired old phrases here.
I would remove the first two sentences in your introduction
It is undeniable that politicians are essential in leading our society to a systematic and prosperous one. Meanwhile, there is no doubt that scientists plays an essential role in making our society to be a better place to live in. Politicians guide and enforce the policies and strategies for the development of the nation .On the other hands, scientists implement all of strategies from the side of practical solution. In my opinion, there is no overweight fact between politicians and scientists. (81 words, 21 words per sentence)
Here’s a possible rewrite.
What makes our society safe, comfortable, and prosperous? Politicians guide and enforce the development of the nation, while scientists and researchers improve our standard of living. In my opinion, both science and good government are necessary. (36 words, average 12 words per sentence)
We need to get our average number of words per sentence down.
- On the other hands ==> on the other hand
- In my opinion, there is no overweight fact between politicians and scientists. ==> In my opinion, politicians and scientists are equally important.
- scientists plays an essential role ==> scientists play an essential role
- Imagine living in a society which has no politician.==> Imagine living in a society with no politicians. OR Imagine living in a society without politicians.
- There would be now law which can protect our society.==> There would be no laws to protect our society.
- Our daily [???] would be really dull. ==> Our daily existence/lives/chores/ commute ??? would be really dull.
Usage/Word Order (and shorten):
In conclusion, only with the co-operation of politicians and scientists, our society has been developed beyond human’s expectation and the world has become what it is today.
Here's a rewrite. Note the order of 'has' and 'become'
In conclusion, only with the cooperation of politicians and scientists has the world become what it is today.
- How terrible our society is! ==> How terrible that society would be!
- How inconvenient our daily lives are! ==> How inconvenient our daily lives would be!
You have started a paragraph with a hypothetical situation (“Imagine a society…”). For this, you need to use conditionals - could, would, etc.
- However, new inventions are created and technology develops, some silly persons would destroy them.
The words ‘however’ and ‘silly’ needs to be replaced. The easiest way to do this is to completely rewrite the sentence
Without functioning governments, technological development and scientific progress would be impossible.
- Due to the well-educated politicians, there are regulations to maintain the social harmony ==>
Thanks to honest politicians, there are regulations to maintain social harmony
- ups and downs = (delete or remove or rewrite)
- In my opinion, there is no overweight fact between politicians and scientists.==>
In my opinion, we need both politicians and scientists. OR Neither is more important than the other. OR Politicians and scientists are equally important.
Clarity: Simplify, simplify, simplify
Some sentences just need to boiled down and simplified:
Scientists implement all of strategies from the side of practical solution.
Here's one possible rewrite:
Scientists are practical. OR Scientists solve many problems
In the next sentence, 'due to' is incorrect, and 'ups and downs' is not quite right.
Due to the well-educated politicians, there are regulations to maintain the social harmony and make decisions that can affect the national ups and downs.
Here's a rewrite:
A good political system maintains social harmony and works for the good of the country OR A functioning political system maintains social order and makes effective decisions.
Write Simply: Avoid Metaphor
Make sure you have only one idea per sentence. There is too much going on in this sentence:
The inventions like computers, televisions and airplanes drive us into better living standards with the technological fuels to accelerate the speed, which can never be achieved by the politicians.
This could be rewritten:
Science has given us computers, television and airplanes, and generally improved our lives. Politics cannot provide us with these things.
Task 2 IELTS is probably not the time to use metaphors. Keep ideas simple, and your sentences will work better.
Paragraph 3 needs a topic sentence. It also needs a marker to show the reader that we are no longer talking about a world without politicians.
In contrast, a good political system has enormous benefits for a country.
Don’t use commas as a kind of glue to add on more information.. Use a full stop and a new sentence, or in the sentences below, just delete the unnecessary information.
- Their political proposals of tax and health insurance can influence the national economic development, which can never be achieved by the scientists.
- The inventions like computers, televisions and airplanes drive us into better living standards with the technological fuels to accelerate the speed, which can never be achieved by the politicians.
The tax and health insurance levied by politicians contribute to national economic development. The scientist’s job is to use this money to better our lives.
Scientific advances in communication, transport and medicine improve our lives in countless ways. OR Science improves our lives in countless ways. Good political systems provide the framework for this to happen.
I like your conclusion. It has a clear opinion and summarizes the essay nicely.
Overall, Moemoe, I’d really like you to try to write as simply as possible. At 360 words, it’s long, and hard work for the examiner, and the complicated sentences also increase the likelihood of error. (Have a look at the IELTS Descriptors in Band 5, under Grammar: “attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences”).
That would be a very harsh result for you, when it is clear that you are able to write good sentences. Simplify. Avoid the tired old phrases. Don’t try to use metaphor. Use some markers to indicate change between paragraphs. Eliminate unnecessary words. Have a mix of short and long sentences.