Thanks for this essay.
A huge thanks to DavidLee and Xiaoyu for their comments!
Please add some comments on other essays. People love to get comments and advice. You don’t have to spend as much time as DavidLee or xiaoyu did here! Just a few words is a big help. You can read more about comments here.
Your essay is 325 words long. Try, try, try to get this down to about 275 words. Unless you are a very experienced writer, you will lose marks by having long essays. Let me say it again: for most IELTS writers: long essays = lower bands
Your introduction needs to get to the point more quickly. The topic is shopping, not the economy or the gap between people. (Xiaoyu noticed this). Mention the topic of the essay in your first sentence.
Let’s delete the first sentence, and change the second a little.
Some people go shopping as a form of entertainment.
Now the first sentence is too similar to the question. Let’s change it:
Today, shopping is a leisure activity for many people.
Now we have given one side of the problem. We need to mention the other side. We can do this in one or two sentences. Let’s add some adjectives
For many people, shopping is a worrying, expensive and unavoidable necessity. For others, however, it is an indulgent leisure activity.
Now we need a thesis sentence which gives your opinion. You wrote
In my opinion, it is a negative development and i will analyse this problem in this essay.
Good - you are giving your opinion. However, the pronoun reference ‘it’ is not clear. In your thesis sentence, mention the topic.
In my opinion, shopping as entertainment is a negative development.
The last part of your thesis sentence is not helpful to the reader. It’s a standard, generic phrase and it doesn’t help the reader to know what is coming. You can preview or summarize the ideas that are coming in the body of the essay.
In this essay I will explain why mindless shopping is bad for individuals and society, bad for the environment, and bad for our future.
(I've used the ideas from your second paragraph in the same order, or as much as I could make out.)
Here’s the entire intro:
For many people, shopping is a worrying, expensive and unavoidable necessity. For others, however, it has become an indulgent leisure activity. In my opinion, shopping as entertainment is a negative development. This essay will explain why mindless shopping is bad for individuals and society, bad for the environment, and bad for our future.
The intro puts the keyword, ‘shopping,’ in the first sentence. It uses ‘leisure’ to show that you understand and can rephrase the word ‘entertainment.’ It uses two negative adjectives - ‘indulgent’ and ‘mindless’ - to show your disapproval. It gives your opinion. It suggests to the reader that you will discuss the gap between rich and poor people, waste, the effect on natural resources, and the effect on savings and planning.
Your topic sentence is about price rises. Why? Is this the topic? Where is the keyword - shopping? Where is the key idea - shopping as entertainment, or shopping as a leisure idea? And are price rises the topic of the paragraph? No!
The topic sentence must include the key idea or keyword. It must summarize the paragraph.
Paragraph Two is also very long. It’s 225 words of dense writing - almost a full essay by itself. You have only one word “secondly” to help the reader see where ideas change or move on. (Xiaoyu also noticed this and broke your paragraph into two and added some linking words.)
My suggestion: Break up the paragraph into three parts. Use a 35553 layout. (Read more about 35553 layouts here.) Have a topic sentence for each.
There are some good ideas here, but they need to be shorter, divided into paragraphs, and given topic sentences.
Your conclusion is one of the best parts of the essay. You give your opinion and a nice summary.
...and a Challenge
Now based on the feedback from DavidLee (some very good grammar and usage suggestions) or xiaoyu (some really good organization and idea suggestions) and some of the suggestions here, rewrite, simplify, shorten (maximum 275 words!) and then - then I will comment on your other essay (which is better than this one, by the way!)