Thanks for this essay on an important topic. I think your arguments in this essay are much better and you are really improving!
The biggest problem with this essay is the intro. Your intro is 91 words, out of a total of 319 for your essay. That’s probably too much. In IELTS, it’s better to get to the point quickly. I suggest 50-60 words for the intro, 90-100 for the two body paragraphs, and another 45-55 for the conclusion. Total: around 275-310 words.
The last sentence in Paragraph 2 is circular - you are repeating the ‘risk’ you mentioned earlier in the paragraph. You shouldn’t use ‘In addition’ if you are repeating – and of course, it’s far better to have new ideas than to repeat.
In Paragraph 3 you wrote:
Even though, all those are true, it should also be accepted that vaccine not only save a child but it save the entire childhood community. (25 words)
It’s better to avoid any pronoun reference at the start of a new paragraph. Here’s one possible rewrite which is a nice short topic sentence and which avoids pronoun references:
However, vaccination is not just an individual decision. (8 words)
- for example smallpox, polio, leprosy → for example smallpox, polio,and leprosy
Make sure lists have ‘and’ or ‘or’ before the last item
To be more precise, immunization is not an individual issue like the seat belt, which affects only a particular child.
Here the phrase ‘to be more precise’ adds nothing. You can safely delete it. You could replace it with ‘In conclusion.’ The comma is not needed. If in doubt, leave commas out.
In conclusion, immunization is not an individual issue like the seat belt which affects only a particular child.
In addition to this, I think that if the number of parents not choosing to vaccinate increase, then there would be similar increase in the incidence of those disease returning. →
I’m going to leave out the ‘I think’ because it’s more of a fact or an accepted cause/effect than an opinion. I’m going to check all agreement and keep tenses consistent:
In addition, if the number of parents not choosing to vaccinate increases, then there will be a similar increase in the incidence of those diseases.