Since humanity is getting a better life than ever before, entertainment is no longer a luxury affair. Music and movie become a top choice for everybody. However, music and movie are not spontaneously created. It is man-made, and it is not free. Thus, people’s solution is download music and movie illegally; as a result, illegal things must be punished.
A simple introduction looks at both sides or situations, and says what you are going to do in your essay. It can also give your opinion.
It’s better to get straight to the point. Let’s remove the first sentence. Let’s change the second sentence so it describes the situation or problem. Let’s add a thesis sentence. (You can read more about Thesis sentences here.)
Millions of people download music and movies on the internet without paying for them. However, these films and songs represent the hard work of many people and therefore should not be free. In this essay I will outline some of the reasons why we should pay for our downloads.
Organization of Ideas: Pronoun Reference
It is exploiting some young composers and singers that play music as livelihood.
When you start a new paragraph you should avoid pronouns that refer to the previous paragraph. Specify:
Illegal downloads exploit composers and singers that depend on music for their livelihood.
- Downloading music and movies illegally can wipe out passion or creativity of the artist → Downloading music and movies illegally can wipe out the passion or creativity of the artist
- For some enthusiastic composer→ For some enthusiastic composers
This sentence is 38 words long. That’s too long. It has too many ideas and too many errors. Aim for one idea per sentence.
As music is leaking on the internet in some way and being downloaded freely, it will depress the producer and musician by squeezing their pocket and the last change to be a famous musician that has been deferred.
Here's one possible rewrite:
As illegal file sharing spreads on the internet, it kills the dreams of many musicians and directors.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- For some enthusiastic composer, the amount of downloaded may applaud them to product more music.→ For some enthusiastic composers, a high number of downloads may encourage them to produce more music.
- Nevertheless, others will think illegal downloaders are abusing their talent because of not paying money.→ However, others will think illegal downloaders are abusing their talent because of the lack of payment for their work.
- Likewise, the expenditure of a movie is numerous; enjoy watching without paying will consequently, devastate the producer. → Furthermore, movies cost millions to make; if people watch without paying the producers will simply go out of business.
- Without money, they cannot set up qualified technology and finest equipment to display terrific movies or fantastic music video. → Without money for equipment, movie makers could not create such fantastic music videos or movies.
- Suppose, if nobody pays for a good-singing beggar in the street, properly there is no music on the street anymore. →
If nobody paid buskers/street musicians, there would be no street music.
As the controversy opens, people suggested that the paid for music and movie has made entertainment becomes luxury.
This is unclear. Which controversy? (It’s another reference at the start of a new paragraph. Specify!) Why past tense (‘suggested’)? Here’s one possible rewrite:
For many people, original movies and music are unaffordable luxuries. OR Many people cannot afford original movies or music.
According to these injustices and disadvantage, illegally downloading music and movies must be forbidden.
Specify! Which injustices? Be positive in your conclusion. You can look to the future. (In any case, it is forbidden already, it’s just that the law is not enforced.)
If we really love music or movies, we should pay for them, and end the practice of illegal downloads
I like this sentence (it’s been edited slightly):
However, paying makes music and movies more precious. It inspires the artist, and gives audiences and viewers the feeling of deserving.