I hope your exam went well. Sorry that more people didn’t reply to your essay before the big day.
Clear and simple. I like the use of quotation marks for the words ‘more important.’ This is an example of what the descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing call “fluent and flexible use of vocabulary” or “precision.” Have a look here at the descriptors if you are doing IELTS.
I generally recommend NOT starting sentences with ‘So,’ ‘And’, ‘For’, ‘Because,’ ‘Although,’ among other words. Here in your intro I would join the last two sentences.
But in my opinion physical education should not be abolished, even if the idea is to help students concentrate on other subjects.
I really like these sentences
- Young people often do not do much sport at home and that makes it even more necessary that students do sports at school.
- Finally physical education at school is a welcome distraction from lessons in the classroom.
I would join these two sentences
First of all, teenagers need to do more sports. So physical education at school is indispensable.
To make something less choppy or broken up like this:
First of all, teenagers need to do more sports, so physical education at school is indispensable.
- Secondly, our society mostly does not get how much fun sport can be, especially the younger generations. → ‘understand’ (‘Get’ is too informal here – other words could be ‘fully understand,’ ‘realize,’ ‘appreciate,’ etc. ‘Get’ is correct but maybe better in speaking than in writing )
- Sport helps students to improve team spirit and to get ambitious. → develop their ambitions/become more ambitious
There is nothing wrong with your sentence
However, they do not seem to know that sports together normally is more fun than just having conversations over the phone or sitting around in a restaurant and drinking some coffee together.
However it is 32 words long, and could convey the same ideas in fewer words.
However, they do not seem to know that playing sport is more fun than just phoning or having coffee with friends.
I would join these sentences more closely
To conclude, sport lessons at school should not be abandoned because of several reasons: Sport helps students to concentrate again and it is necessary for their health.
Here's a possible rewrite:
To conclude, sports in school should not be abandoned because it helps students to concentrate and it is necessary for their health.
Overall a nice easy-to read and clearly organized essay with some excellent sentences and very few errors.