What do you think of Yokama’s essay? It's great to be able to compare the two essays side by side. Very helpful, thanks!
Using http://www.read-able.com (under “Useful Links” at the top of the page, we find that your essay is too short at 235 words (shame!) and has a long sentence average of 16.79 words. It’s very important to reach the 250 minimum, and we need to have an average sentence length of 12-15 words.
Is the first sentence related to the topic? You wrote:
The modern world has changed drastically.
It’s true, but is it about young people? Focus on the topic. Make every single sentence related to the question. There should be a mention of young people or attitudes to young people in your first sentence. We could recycle that sentence in hundreds of essays - and in this case, recycling’s not good.
There’s no time to waste: get the topic or main idea of the question into the first sentence. You only get one chance to make a first impression.
And…. and…. and….
Where’s your opinion? We’ve read a long intro (63 words) but we don’t know (A) what you think - remember it’s an opinion essay! And (B) - we don’t know what we are going to read in the rest of the essay.
A thesis sentence helps you and the reader to be ready for what is coming in the rest of the essay.
Your intro was:
The modern world has changed drastically. Young people get plenty of new ideas due to globalization and development in technology. They are the most confused ones , torn between tradition and modernization. Some people who are very conservative feel that the young ones should not turn their faces to tradition while other modern ones feel that they should act freely according to their will.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Today young people are exposed to many new ideas. This can be confusing for youngsters, torn between tradition and modernization. Conservatives feel that youth should follow tradition, while others feel that young people should make up their own minds in life. This essay will outline why I believe young people should balance freedom of thought with respect for their elders and traditions.
(62 words - still a little too long!)
This paragraph only has two ideas - (1) teenagers like phones and (2) teenagers don’t bother with family events. Two ideas is not enough, and they are not developed enough. Lots of older people like phones or technology too, so how cab you make this related to the topic?
There are only 67 words, which is the same length as your intro. Don’t spend a long time on the intro - the body is where the ideas are. The body paragraphs should be MUCH longer than the intro or conclusion
Your Paragraph Three has 68 words. It says that some young people respect their culture. That’s all. You could say it in 6 words. Where are the examples?
It’s now clear why you have only 235 words - there aren’t enough ideas. You need ideas.
Don’t start to write until you have six ideas. Just put that pen down and think. Alternatively, pick that pen up and start brainstorming like crazy until you have six clearly differentiated ideas.
However nice a sentence sounds or seems – like this one:
On the other hand, there are still some young men and women who are attached to their culture and are proud to keep the candles burning what their forefathers had lit with great expectation.
…it’s not enough to convince an examiner. It’s a nice sentence, but it rambles and it doesn’t really have a meaning, AND it has some grammar and reference errors.
Examiners want to see ideas, fully developed and supported. Have a look at the descriptors for Band 4 - I know you want more than that!
- Band 4: presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported
- Band 5: presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail
- Band 6: presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
Let’s jump to Band 8:
- Band 8: sufficiently addresses all parts of the task; presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas
Content is king
Ideas, not lovely-sounding sentences, are king. Content is king. A structured, well laid out essay with the basic components (intro with background, thesis sentence, topic sentences, three ideas for, three ideas against, supporting information for each of these three ideas, conclusion which summarizes both sides, 20 sentences in total). These are basic building blocks. Fine sentences come later once these are present!
Back to Basics: Challenge!
As an exercise, Radha, I suggest rewriting this essay before you upload any more essays! Use the boring old markers ‘First,’ ‘Second,’ ‘Another example’ or similar ones. Have three separate ideas in each of the two body paragraphs. Give a supporting example for each one.