Hi Anufrancis - here’s a few comments on a second essay of yours.
Please have a look at both sets of comments, and then perhaps revisit your other essays and see how they could be improved.
As I suggested in the other comments, it’s better to submit one essay, get feedback, consider it, and then submit another essay than to submit a big bunch of essays at the same level.
Anufrancis, this essay, like the other one, is also off topic. It’s about the most serious error you could make in IELTS. The question does not mean having different jobs at the same time - it means changing jobs frequently in your career. Your third para is off-topic. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response and scroll down to the bottom for off –topic responses.
The sole purpose of education is to stabilise oneself with a paying career.
Well, for you or for some people maybe! Others might think it is to develop the mind or to allow people to reach their full potential. Another view might be that education exists to provide unthinking, semi-skilled employees for the evil industrial-military complex.
Easy to fix: let’s add ‘in my opinion:’
In my opinion the sole purpose of education is to stabilise oneself with a paying career.
Pronouns: why use the distant pronoun ‘oneself’? Why not just say 'me' or 'I' and get on with it? It’s an opinion essay, after all.
Shorten and Simplify
As career is the target point of our set goal, it is now becoming blundered with the perception whether single job with a handsome salary or multiple job with a better exposure is rewarding.
So many ideas, and so confusing. We’ve moved from ‘oneself’ into ‘our goal.’ Confusing. Have one subject and stick to it: ‘I,’ ‘you,’ ‘people.’ Why repeat ‘target’ and ‘goal’? ‘Blundered’ is not correct here. The word ‘job’ should be plural. The sentence is just too long (34 words) and has too many ideas.
Make your writing easier to read. Think of your audience. No matter how clear your ideas are to you, if they are not clear to the reader, you have failed to communicate effectively.
Here's one possible rewrite:
Which is more rewarding – one well-paid job, or several careers in different fields? (13 words)
But the essay topic doesn’t specifically ask about whether jobs are well-paid or not - it asks about the advantages of staying in the same job or trying a range of careers. Make sure you don’t go off topic.
The sole purpose of education is to stabilise oneself with a paying career. As career is the target point of our set goal, it is now becoming blundered with the perception whether single job with a handsome salary or multiple job with a better exposure is rewarding. It all depends on the individuals thinking, capability and situation. So in regard to this, I would like to put forth my understanding and intelligence, in support of my view.
Why is your first sentence about education? Let’s look at the question again:
Many people work all their lives in one job. Increasingly, however, people are studying and changing careers. What are some of the advantages and disadvantages of this?
Here’s one possible rewrite of your introduction.
Is it better to stay in one job for a lifetime, or to learn and change and try a range of careers? In this essay, I will describe why I think we need to keep learning and adapting, and why the old model of hoping to stay in a job for ever is no longer possible.
Here’s another introduction, closer to your conclusion:
Is it better to stay in one job for a lifetime, or to learn and change and try a range of careers? In this essay, I will describe why some people enjoy learning and new challenges in their careers, while others prefer to stay in a job for as long as possible.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
It is a fashion that still exists in today’s scenario that is single job, as it assures satisfaction and stability of career.
Major grammar problems here: simplify this sentence. Have one idea. If you want two ideas, have two sentences.
Many people enjoy working in a single job for many years. They enjoy the stability, and they enjoy the satisfaction of knowing their work thoroughly.
Grammar and Accuracy
There are three error-free sentences in your essay. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Grammar and Accuracy. This means that errors are frequent. You will not be able to achieve your desired IELTS band until a najority of your sentences are error-free sentences.
Slow down and write the simplest sentences possible. You are not writing for a newspaper. Instead, pretend you are writing a manual or instruction booklet. Be as clear and as simple as possible. Have one idea per sentence. Link sentences clearly. Check every pronoun.
Free your writing of cliche and chatter. With your language background and so much access to English this can be more difficult than say for a person from Spain or Korea. You must eliminate all the dross of journalism and television from your writing. Imagine you are writing for a non-native speaker in simple standard words, and in the clearest possible style.
My head is spinning as I read this sentence:
In this faculty of choice income never stops and a person can blindly rely on the other job if the prior job faces any sort of crisis
The pronouns and references ‘this’, ‘other job’ and ‘prior’ force the reader to go back three times in one sentence. Good writing goes forward, not backward. I have no idea what 'faculty of choice' means.
Pronouns and Gender
One has to devote only a fixed amount of time for the same, so he/ she more time to spend with family and relatives. It also provides an individual with an experience of a specific skill, as practice makes man perfect.
Why do you use ‘one’ and then ‘he /she’ and then ‘an individual’ and then ‘man’?
You can use plurals to avoid using ‘he’ or ‘she.’ Or you can choose one and use it consistently. But don’t change. Avoid using ‘he /she’ or ‘his/her.’
It helps an individual to learn multiple tasks an also broadens his/her scope of learning
Here’s one possible rewrite:
It helps us to learn multiple tasks and also broadens our learning
(The sentence still doesn’t really mean anything, though.)
But in it education is bound to a narrow scope.
What does this mean? Where is the development of this idea? Why are we talking about education again? You must explain. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response, for undeveloped ideas.
Shorten and Simplify
Contrary to its positive aspect it may bring in lot of tension and burden, along with problems such as generation gap due to strain imposed by time.
This is four sentences into the third paragraph. By this time, the reader has forgotten what ‘it’ stands for. Specify. Why is 'generation gap' mentioned? What do you mean? Where is the development, the example, the support?
Have a long, hard look at your other essays!
There are many, many more examples I could highlight, but you are quite capable of stepping back, slowing down, and writing in a much much simpler and error-free style. Have a look at your other essays. It would be great if you could resubmit them in a heavily revised and much simpler style - put them under the same topic post so that people can see the improvement.
For now, I'd recommend that you read some other essays here (have a look at Katiss' excellent essays, for example), but you need to spend the bulk of time writing and rewriting rather than commenting.
When is your test?