Many comments from David Lee and RshdWork
Hi Guru and thanks for this essay. A big thanks to David Lee and Rshdwork for their comments!
Your essay is fine, but it’s not very exciting. ‘Exciting’ is not required to get a good mark in IELTS , but have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under “limited range” in Lexical Resource (vocab) and “limited range” of structures” in Grammar and “may be repetitive” under Coherence.
So how can we make your essay better?
Empty or standard phrases
First there are a LOT of very standard phrases which could be used in a million essays.
- To conclude, I think every coin has two sides.
What does this mean? Why use it? How does it make your argument stronger? And what do you mean ‘think’? Don’t use this phrase. Make every sentence relevant to the topic. Include a keyword or a new idea or a phrase of your own.
- In this essay, I will discuss both the side of arguments and try to reach to conclusion.
This adds nothing and does not help the reader. You might as well stand before an audience and say “I’m going to talk.” We know, already.
And your opening:
- Television is a popular type of electronic media.
Unless the reader has been away from the planet for the century or so, this sentence does not say anything new. Why waste time writing it? Don’t state the obvious. You have missed opportunities to show the examiner that you are able to write new and fresh sentences.
Structure and Organization
Your paragraph structure is fine, and your topic sentences are OK. But I wish you had spent more time on developing your ideas.
You have a LOT of repetition here. The website textalyser.net tells you which words you have used most often in your essay. You have used the word ‘programmes’ 11 times, ‘children’ 10 times, and ‘television’ 9 times, and ‘time’ 3 times.
Every time you repeat a word you are missing an opportunity to use a different piece of vocab and possibly a different idea.
When you get the question in the exam, underline, write synonyms, related words. Change nouns to verbs, change adjectives to adverbs, change verbs to nouns, write the opposites, write unrelated words. Cover the paper with words. Words will lead to ideas and suddenly your essay will be more interesting for you to write and for your reader to read.
Paragraph Two: Ideas
Here are the ideas in your second paragraph. As you can see there is some repetition:
- Idea 1: Television is a source of entertainment
- Example 1 : There are many programmes such as…
- Idea 2: There are many programmes??????
- Idea 3: It helps families to bond.
- Example 3: Parents are busy, so they watch television.
If parents are busy, how do they have time to watch television? Your ideas must be supported.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
This is not a sentence: Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.
- Television programmes such as movies which are showing violence, robberies, hate.
Not only/But also
Moreover, long time in front of television not effect children health but also their social network as well.
Don’t use not only /but also. It’s not correct here. Just write nice simple sentences.
By the way, where is your example for health? Can anyone show me a link between television and poor eyesight? Do you mean exercise (you have no example given.)
Overall, the essay just makes me want to sleep. At least an examiner gets paid to read it…
Here’s the thing : if an essay is boring for you to write, then the effect on the reader will be the same thing multiplied by ten. Think of fresh ideas, new example. You have some possibilities here (the social network of children, for example, but not enough variety, or examples, or fresh information. This essay could have been written in 1960 - where are the examples from “your knowledge and experience” as the IELTS question asks?
Here's an example of a topic with related words and brainstorm. You have paid 200 dollars to do the exam - cover the question paper with words!